“I believe that my clothes can give people a better image of themselves – that it can increase their feelings of confidence and happiness.”
-Giorgio Armani

“I feel so frumpy at work,” Leanne said to me during a coaching call.

“I don’t take the time to dress up anymore,” she continued.

I asked, “Why don’t you take the time?”

At that moment, I looked down at my flannel pajamas and noticed my coffee breath.

I glanced at the clock.

Noon.

My mind instantly flashed to the feeling of shame that I would feel on any given afternoon, when the UPS man would bust me at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, still wrapped up in my robe, looking like I had the flu.

Then I thought about Ma (my grandmother). I knew better.

She lived alone in a little trailer in North Carolina on Rough-N-Ready Road (I kid you not!). She woke up every morning, said her prayers, put on dress and fixed her bun (those were the days when women went to the beauty salon once a week to have their hair styled for the week). She was always ready, but never rough!

I can’t remember a time that I came over at noon to find her still hanging out in her pajamas. She always took pride in how she looked. There were days that no one came by, but she knew something.

It wasn’t about others. It was how she felt about herself.

I had my chic awakening.

That was the day I said, “No more.”

While it may not seem like a big deal to get up and get dressed when you’re home alone (because who’s going to see you, right?), it’s impacted every area of my life. Most importantly, it’s affected the relationship with myself.

You get to know who you truly are when you’re all alone and no one’s watching. And, truth be told, I didn’t like how I was showing up for myself.

During that call with Leanne, I knew I was out of character. I wasn’t being the woman I wanted to be.

Sure, I’d dress up to meet friends for dinner or anytime I thought I may run into another human being, but at home alone, I looked like a bad lady.

Isn’t it fascinating how we’ll put in the effort

to dress up for others but not ourselves?
{Click to Tweet}

Yet, there I was coaching women around living their lives like a work of art, while I looked like I’d been spray painted with carelessness.

While no one saw me (except for that poor UPS man, bless his heart), I saw me. And, I did not like what I was seeing.

That’s when I realized that I wanted to be the kind of woman who impresses herself, not others.

Now, regardless of whether I’m sitting at home on the phone working with clients or walking the streets of Paris, I put in the effort to look my best.

I don’t get all decked to the nines in Dior to clean the house or work out of my home office. But, I do shower, put on something that feels comfortable and beautiful and show up in a way that pleases me.

(And, yes, I still have the occasional loungewear day, but it’s a choice, not a habit. I like to think of it as “Casual Fridays” at the office.)

Since being more intentional in how I dress (and therefore feel) and stopped wearing pajamas to work,

My business has grown tremendously.

I’ve become a better coach (dare I say, one of the best).

It’s been easier to maintain my weight.

My confidence has increased.

I’m happier.

Can I attribute this to simply showing up for myself when it comes to my clothes? I think it’s a big part of it, because it’s about more than the clothes. It’s about showing up as the woman you desire to be in all areas of your life.

Your style tells your story one outfit at a time.

My old pattern was to wake up and think, “I don’t feel so hot today.” I’d proceed to wearing something that told that story.

These days, I love to ask myself things like…

How do I want to feel today?
What would the best life coach on the planet wear today?
What would Oprah wear today?

Questions like those have taken me from feeling frumpy to chic!

Instead of waking up and choosing clothes to match where you are, choose clothes that represent where you want to be.

Everything is energy.

Yes, including the clothes you wear.

If you want to know what kind of energy they hold, ask yourself: How do I feel in this?

(By the way, if you love hanging out in your pajamas until dinner or wearing baggy clothes to work and you feel fabulous doing it, I say: “Rock ON!”)

Treat everything as if it matters, because it does.

It doesn’t matter if you are cleaning your toilet or talking to a boardroom of top executives.

Take the time to do it with pride and passion.

Show up in your life as the woman you desire to be.

Decide on purpose.

Personally, I want to live with joy, style and passion. I want to go to bed feeling like I gave this day all I’ve got.

Admittedly, sometimes my best is no makeup, yoga pants and a sweatshirt. But, the difference is that it’s a choice I make, not habit. For me, too many days in Lululemon, and I start to feel rather blah.

How you feel influences what your actions and your actions are creating your life.

So, feeling inspired, joyful, confident or (insert your most effective emotion here) is important.

When you take the time to look and feel your best, regardless of who’s watching, magical things begin to happen.

Remember, you’re doing this for you, not for anyone else. So, if wearing no-makeup and sporting a cute pair of jeans and t-shirt is your style, then wear it. This is not about dressing for anyone other than you.

Here are some prompts:

How do I want to feel today?

How would a <insert your dream job position here > dress?

How would <insert your biggest inspirational character here >  dress?

Then, use your answer to choose your next outfit.

Here are some of my client results who started dressing with intention:

Weight loss.
Job promotions.
Increased salary.
Hot, steamy marriages.
Found their lover.
Business growth.
More joy and confidence.

The moral of this story:

Show up for your life…and do it in your own unique style.

Whatever you choose to do, go all in.

And, in the famous words of Yves Saint Laurent, “Passion is the best makeup.”

I’m just sayin.

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION BELOW: Have you noticed your clothes impacting how you feel about yourself and life? I’d love to hear about your positive and not-so-positive experiences in the comments section below.

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post A Chic Awakening: <br>How Your Clothes Affect Your Life appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

On a recent visit back home down South, my niece told me in her sweetest Southern drawl,

“Aunt Tonya, I saw a pic of you in the County Museum when you were the Strawberry Queen”

Yes, I held the titles of:

Little Miss Chadbourn
(the little town I grew up in)

And

……are you ready for this?

The Yam Queen

The Strawberry Queen

The Watermelon Queen

I know, it sounds more like a smoothie than a string of hard earned pageant titles.

Unless you grew up in the South drinking sweet tea and eating collard greens, you probably won’t understand.

During my Pageant days, I traveled across Virginia, Tennessee and North and South Carolina singing on stages, doing interviews, riding on top of my mom’s bright red Camaro in parades, participating in a watermelon seed spitting contests and all other sorts of shenanigans.

I won some and lost some. And in some of the Pageant winnings, in addition to earning a crown & sash, I was gifted scholarships which paid for most of my nursing school tuition.

Yet, when my niece mentioned seeing an old photo of me at the museum, well….

I laughed and cringed at the same time.

Maybe it’s because of the whole “Honey Boo Boo” stigma, or the thoughts of JonBenet Ramsey and the conspiracy theories around her murder. Perhaps it’s the sexualization of little girls that I don’t approve of or that I’m now so far removed from the pageant world. Whatever it is, it’s a part of my life I rarely think about ….and certainly don’t discuss.

Well, until recently…

It got me thinking about what being a Pageant Queen taught me about living a well-lived life.

Three decades and a lot of personal development later, I can now look back on my beauty pageant days and excavate the big lessons that it can teach us all.

There are some really fascinating parallels between my years as a Pageant girl and what I see happening with women in today’s society — competition, feeling less than, depending on our looks, wanting approval, just to name a few.

So, I thought I’d share with you the 10 lessons I learned from being a Pageant Queen:

1. Following your dreams is uncomfortable

On stage, my voice would tremble and I’d feel like I was going to vomit. I wanted to run, but the spotlight was on me, so all I could do is stand there and shake and smile. Eventually, it became my norm to go on stage and speak to hundreds of people, but I had to break through the discomfort to get to that place.

Every time I did it, I was scared out of my mind trying to hold a smile even though the corners of my mouth were trembling. I’d worry if the hundreds of people in the audience could hear the shakiness in my voice as I answered a question.

I remember the knots in my stomach as they called my name and I stepped into the spotlight to sing Liza Minelli’s “Cabaret.”

While I didn’t always win, the moment you hear your name not being called as the first runner up and being the only one left on stage indicating you are the winner was always an ecstatic feeling. All the hard work and practice paid off.

Most people procrastinate, eat and distract themselves from what they truly want simply because they don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

Instead of shrinking from the emotions, learn to feel them.

Show up. Do it anyway.

The worst thing that will ever happen when you’re going after your dreams is a feeling.
{Click to Tweet}

2. People will judge you. Make peace with it.

In beauty pageants, people are paid to judge you. You get a score. The score is tallied and depicts the winner.

Life is a lot like that too! People are constantly scoring and judging you, without the paycheck. But, life isn’t a pageant (even though it may feel like one). In real life, you get to be a winner despite what others think.

The only way to avoid judgment is to lock yourself up in your house and never leave. Even then someone will probably judge you for being a hermit.

Expect to be judged. Because you will be, and you are.

When you expect something, you’re not caught off guard when it happens.

Plus, their judgments say everything about them and nothing about you. You are responsible for your own thoughts and judgments.

What do you think of you? That’s the judgment you should be concerned with.

People will judge you. Expect it. Let people be wrong about you.
{Click to Tweet}

3. You will fail

I came in 2nd runner up three years in a row at the North Carolina Rhododendron Festival.

For three years, I practiced all year long and showed up only to get the same trophy each year.

However, I realize that along the journey, I met the most amazing people, learned more about myself and cultivated more confidence by continuing to get back out there.

In a recent interview with Sarah Blakely, founder of Spanx, I was fascinated hearing her talk about her relationship with failure.

At the dinner table, her dad would ask her, “What did you fail at this week?”

Instead of getting her cozy with success, he helped her become comfortable with failure. As a result, she wasn’t afraid of failure. It was something she walked towards, not backed down from. It was a sign that she was on the playing field of life, learning and growing. It’s no surprise that her net worth is over one billion dollars. That’s a billion with a “B.”

If you’re not failing, you’re not going after your dreams.
{Click to Tweet}

4. Allow yourself to shine

I won’t lie:

It felt fabulous to dress up, walk across the stage and step up to a microphone. What I loved most was singing on stage — the costumes, self-expression and seeing people’s face smile in the audience. I loved to shine.

Now that I’m decades away from my beauty pageant days, I can say that it was a fabulous experience as it taught me to do things in the face of fear, how to create confidence and communicate with groups of people.

Maybe that’s why as an adult I still love dressing up on the stage of life every day, and as a professional coach, I enjoy using my voice to share a powerful message that inspires women to birth a new way of living and being.

Whether it’s on a stage, in the kitchen or around a boardroom table, notice where your heart comes alive and have the courage to stand in that spotlight — with your knees trembling, knots in your stomach and your chest pounding.

Eventually, you’ll grow comfortable there, but to shine you must be willing to feel the discomfort of showing up fully.

Feel the discomfort, but don’t dull your shine.
{Click to Tweet}

5. People may leave. Let them Go.

During my pageant years, I lost friends. When you’re a young girl with an immature brain, losing friends is devastating.

I’ll never forget a group of my classmates booing my performance. I felt so much shame that I ran off the stage and cried for days promising that I’d never sing again. Of course, I did because I had committed to a show, but the passion of singing was replaced with shame.

A week after I won Strawberry Queen, I was cornered by a group of girls in the school bathroom and pushed to the ground. One of them said, “Stop thinking you’re better than us.” These were girls I’d laughed and eaten with. I thought they were my friends. I didn’t think I was better. I just wanted to belong.

I stopped pageants, singing and all the things I had enjoyed because I didn’t want to appear to be better than anyone. I didn’t want to lose anymore so called “friends”.

Success had become to mean that I wasn’t safe. So, I sabotaged myself often. If ever I outperformed on a test or felt like I was outshining another girl, I’d immediately apologize and try to prove how I wasn’t that special. I began to give into peer pressure — smoking in the same bathroom I’d been bullied in, sneaking out of the house for parties that involved a lot of drinking. running away from home…all because I wanted to fit in.

Looking back, I can see it clearly now: this is when I started to shrink in life.

Fear, not joy, began to run the show. In fact, I carried this behavior into my adulthood with excessive apologizing, dressing down, gaining weight and turning my back on my dreams.

I have learned from experience that you have two choices when it comes to your life: stay the same or evolve. If you choose the latter, people may leave. But, I promise you this: you’ll soon be welcoming in new faces into your life.

Instead of limiting yourself in hopes of other’s staying, trust that the wrong people will exit and the right ones will enter your life. The people who truly love you will stick by you, and the ones that only love a version of you that you no longer want to be will leave. It really is that simple.

People may leave. Let them go. With love.
{Click to Tweet}

6. Be a Queen and Surround Yourself with Other Queens

Something magical happened each time they put a crown on my head:

I was a Queen. I stood taller, my confidence grew and I felt an immense pride in the young woman I was becoming. And, suddenly, I was with a different group of women — other Queens. We weren’t competing because we each had a crown.

We traveled to parades, events, and other pageants together. We’d stay up late at night in our hotel rooms talking about our dreams and fears. We cheered each other on, called each other for support and enjoyed being together.

As an adult, you don’t need to win a pageant to be a queen. Each and every day, you get to choose to put a metaphorical (or real) crown on your head — to believe in ourselves, show up even when it’s hard, to doubt our own doubt and to NOT let anyone take us off of our throne.

If you’re looking for other fabulous ladies to surround yourself with, put on your crown and come join moi and the other bon vivants on the French Kiss Life World Tour.

You have a choice of who you surround yourself with. Choose other true Queens — the ones who’ll lift you up, tell you to get your butt out there on the stage of your life, who will have the courage to tell you when you’re holding yourself back, love you even when you fail, see your success as inspiration instead of competition and who just want to enjoy this magical experience of life with you.

Be a Queen and surround yourself with Queens.
{Click to Tweet}

7. Miss Congeniality Never Wins

In my experience on the pageant circuit, Miss Congeniality never won the crown. As an adult, I find this to be true in life.

I spent many years working hard to be the nice girl. It was not effortless. It was a full-time job that not only didn’t pay, it depleted my soul account.

I left my own path to go with the crowd. I worked hard to please others while letting myself down. I put my own desires on the back burner to not rock the boat.

I’d say “yes” to things I loathed to do and “no” to the things that I loved. I wanted people to like me SO bad. I wanted to be in the “in” crowd. If people liked me, then I could like myself, right? If people liked me, I could be a huge success, right?

Wrong!

It’s taken a lot of work for this Miss-Southern-please-every-one-nice-gal to get to a place where I operate from a place of being myself versus being who others want me to be.

I’ve learned that I can’t be a great mom if I’m trying to please my daughter. I can’t be an effective coach if I’m worried about my clients liking me. I can’t be my best self if my goal in life is to be liked by everyone.

You serve the world and yourself best when you stop trying to win Miss Congeniality and start being Miss You! That’s how you’ll win in your life.

If you own your own business, it’s almost certain that people will challenge, disagree and dislike what you’re doing. If you are trying to create health, there will probably be people (most likely family) that won’t like your new lifestyle. If you choose to go after a goal, there will be people in the peanut gallery offering you their opinion.

While I am all for kindness, I’m not for being nice to your own demise. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and others is be true to yourself and let others be who they are. Anything else is exhausting.

Miss Congeniality never wins. Focus on liking yourself, not others liking you.
{Click to Tweet}

8. Jealousy / Envy is Toxic

When I was called out as 2nd runner up that third year at the North Carolina Rhododendron Festival, I became engulfed with jealousy towards the winner. I told myself that she cheated. She didn’t deserve it. And she was a terrible person.

The first truth was I didn’t deserve it (or I would have won), and I was the one acting like the terrible person. The other truth was, that secretly, I envied her — her talent, charisma, and ability to shine. That feeling ate at me for a year while she traveled the state sharing her brilliance.

Harbored envy only hurts you. Learning from your jealousy can ignite you.

That girl gave me a huge gift. She showed me areas that I wanted to grow and improve upon. She highlighted parts of myself that I wanted to let go and the doubt I needed to overcome. Her success paved the way for my own.

The very next year, after obsessing about this girl and studying her every move, I took what she had taught me and won my very next crown.

It’s quite normal to experience envy. But don’t tear down another person in an attempt to feel better about yourself. It doesn’t work. And, it only hurts you.

Instead, look at what she is showing that you want in your own life. Then, investigate where you’re holding yourself back and then go out there and create it for yourself.

These days, I tend to be on the receiving end of jealousy.

Most recently, someone commented on a Facebook post, “Bitch, you need to eat.” As someone who has been 70 pounds heavier than I am today and loves to eat, I found this comment laughable. I have been to hell and back around my weight and food issues. I am finally in a place where I am at complete peace around this area.

Her comment said everything about her and nothing about me. Plus, I refuse to let someone else’s opinion or insecurity cause me to spiral into a place I worked so hard to overcome.

If you’re on the receiving end of jealousy: You must understand that it’s not about you. You’ve triggered a deep desire or need in another person, and for whatever reason, she doesn’t see it as possible for her. Extend her compassion. Love her from afar.

Jealousy & Envy is toxic. Stay in your light.
{Click to Tweet}

9. There is more than enough success to go around.

Unfortunately, pageants teach young women that one woman’s win is another’s loss. This mentality has created a female culture of constant comparison, competition, and cattiness.

Life, however, isn’t a contest. There aren’t judges (except the ones in our head). And one woman’s success doesn’t take away from yours.

Yet, when she thinks it does, things turn ugly. Here’s an example of how we women can go very wrong:

One of my clients was devastated when she discovered her best friend was talking about her behind her back.

“Okay Tonya, this sounds silly, like I am in high school — I don’t even want to say this aloud — but here goes: she said that I think I’m better than her.”

I had heard those words before.

“What do you make that mean about you?” I inquired

“That maybe I shouldn’t be so public about my success,” my client answered.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it makes her feel uncomfortable,” she said.

Note to every woman reading this article: A woman’s success doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. It’s the thoughts in that person’s mind that creates her feelings. Alternatively, if we choose to celebrate a woman’s success, seeing it as an example of what’s possible, you’ll most likely feel inspired and excited.

Don’t use a woman’s success to play the victim in your own life. She has taken nothing from you. She’s only showing you what’s possible.

If you want to see your life radically change, start celebrating other women’s success. Email her and tell them what you admire about her. Send her roses and tell her “Great job!” Celebrate her success with her and watch what happens in your own life. Life is truly like a boomerang. What you throw out comes back.

And, please don’t use your success as a reason to feel guilty. Instead, choose to feel proud of yourself. You’ve done the hard work. You’ve felt the uncomfortable feelings. You’ve overcome the doubt. You’ve shown up and taken the action.

There is more than enough success to go around. Let her success inspire your own.
{Click to Tweet}

10. Your essence is everything

Kim was on the pageant circuit with me.

And I was mesmerized by her.

She grew up in a poor household and couldn’t afford the fancy dresses that most of the pageant girls wore. In fact, we were a lot alike. My mom handmade all of my pageant clothes because, like Kim’s family, we didn’t have the funds to spend $300 on a dress.

Yet, Kim had something bigger going for her: a deep desire to win scholarship money, a beautiful mind due to her love of books, and a confidence that clothes couldn’t create.

When she walked onto the stage, it didn’t matter that she was wearing a dress that her mom had found at the thrift store or that she had to find sponsors to pay her entry fee.

Her essence took everyone by surprise, especially the judges.

She owned her space, spoke with confidence, held her head high and shared with us her greatest beauty — herself.

I remember the day she walked away with a huge crown.

Kim taught me a very important lesson:

Your essence is everything. Who you are being, is far more important than what you’re doing.
{Click to Tweet}

=======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION BELOW:
Which of these Pageant lessons is one that hardest for you to practice? How can you put it into practice this week? Which one do you feel like you have mastered?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post 10 Life Lessons<br> From a Southern Belle Pageant Queen appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

A woman in our community recently confided in me at a French Kiss Life Tour event. She told me that she was new to the community but was intrigued by my work. However, she felt that she wasn’t elegant, nor did she have any desire to “become elegant”.

I asked her to say more.

“Well, I’m not in the upper echelons of society. I don’t have fancy clothes nor do I wear lipstick. I have a Southern accent and don’t know a lot about the arts.”

She continued to list various traits she had attributed to elegance.

I said to her,

“Honey, if that’s what elegance is, I don’t want that either…..
….well, except for the beautiful clothes and lipstick, of course!”

With such a hoity-toity definition of elegance, most women will run as far away as they can as we have been repressed for far too long.

Whenever I speak of the word elegance, I am talking about something much deeper than pearls and lipstick.

In fact, elegance has nothing at all to do with what you wear or how much money you have.

Elegance is a state of mind.

A new understanding of Elegance

In today’s English language, so many words are turned around, twisted, manipulated, and made to fit just about whatever you’re wanting it to mean.

It’s no different with the word “elegance.”For the various definitions I’ve seen for Elegance, there seem to be two distinct definitions:

Piss Elegance = displaying a contrived, often pretentious, sophistication, opulence; a debutante or a display of high society and exclusivity.

True Elegance = comes from the Latin elegantia, “taste, propriety, or refinement.” A refined quality of gracefulness and good taste. A quality of neatness and ingenious simplicity in the solution of a problem (especially in science or mathematics)

And, for the record, whenever I speak of elegance, I’m referring to the latter. I don’t translate it like many women do today, which is often visions of women walking snootily along the upper East Side of NYC.

For me, elegance means

• being selective and aiming for quality….not loads of crap.
• knowing what you value and building your life around it.
• thinking on purpose….not what you’ve been told to believe.
• surrounding yourself with beauty.
• letting go of anything that does not support you.

And, I deeply believe it’s something that most women want, but unfortunately, misunderstand.

As Diana Vreeland said: “Elegance is a refusal.” Cheers to that, Diana!

My elegant Ma who lived in a little trailer

My grandmother, Elverta (we all called her Ma), was the most elegant woman I’ve ever known.

She knew her values — family and faith — and built her world around it.

She was full of grace, grit, and gratitude.

And, she took amazing care of herself — eating fresh foods from her garden and taking walks around the little path on the perimeter of her yard.

She kept her home neat and simple — only filled with precious mementos and the few things she needed to live well each day.

She lived in a little single wide trailer with a flower garden full of daisies and carnations outside her door.

She didn’t hurry through her own life but counted her blessings every day.

She didn’t fight what was being thrown at her but accepted life and always reminded me: “Sweetie, this too shall pass.” And she’s right. It always passes – the high and the lows.

Living with fierce faith and beautiful acceptance…

This is elegance at its best.

When elegance becomes more about the outside than the inside

Who wants to be told what to wear? Who wants to become someone that doesn’t feel true to them? Who wants to be someone just to impress others?

But, I’ve tried these approaches, and let me tell you:

It was NOT elegant.

There was that one time at my first country club party.

Attending a party at a country club party had been on my “dream” list for years.

Here’s what happened:

I walked in the door thinking, “I don’t belong here.” And, when a woman doesn’t feel like she belongs, she spends the night trying to prove to everywhere that she does. (Note to you, the reader: This never turns out well.)

When a very prestigious couple approached me, I couldn’t pretend any longer.

Not feeling adequate, and therefore not knowing what to say, I quickly excused myself to go to the ladies room.

And in my quick escape…

I ran straight into the server carrying a tray of meatballs.

A Tray of meatballs drenched in copious amounts of marinara sauce.

Oh, and did I mention that I was wearing white?

You can let your imagination fill in the blanks.

I’ve since learned that true elegance is NOT about impressing others.

Elegance is a state of mind.

So, to clear the record, elegance is NOT about the clothes you wear, where you live, nor the number in your bank account… although these areas can become very elegant in your life.

Let’s be specific and look at how true elegance can look in our everyday lives in these areas.

Imagine if you were to …

… deliberately choose your thoughts instead of continuing to believe what you’ve been told is true.

… learn to feel your feelings, not escape or bury them through overeating, overshopping, overworking or over social mediaing (is that a word?)

… surround yourself with only those things you love or make your life easier.

… cultivate your confidence by stepping into the mystery of life not running from it.

… stop waiting for one day and completely abandon the idea of living with an internal battle of wanting one thing and doing another.

… treat people with kindness while also defining your own personal boundaries.

… dress each morning with intention instead of choosing the same ole’ outfit.

… slow down long enough to taste your square of chocolate.

… want what you already have instead of focusing on all that you don’t 24-7.

… stop waiting to be ready and instead play your way to success.

… have 3 clear top priorities at any point in life that you’re working towards (not 20)

… schedule only what’s important to you.

… create a calendar that reflects your desires and showing up for yourself.

… treating your body and mind like an incredible work of art (because it is)

… have clear values by which you live your life.

… eliminated the noise that distracts you from your own life.

… not obsess over what you think you’re missing but celebrate what’s right in front of you.

… read books that ignite a sense of passion and romance instead of making you feel broken.

… not look for others approval but approve of yourself.

… let people be who they are instead of trying to make them into who you want them to be.

…shine unapologetically knowing that it doesn’t dull anyone else’s sparkle.

… look for the beauty and possibility of each moment.

These are true examples of elegance in the everyday.

I have just released a free course where I’ll personally show you HOW to cultivate elegance in the everyday. We will dive into the 3 truths that all Elegant Women have in common, and you will learn specifically how to apply them into your life.

Click here to tell me where to send it, and I will immediately give you access to my videos.

Now the list of ideas above, it may seem like a lot.

But do remember that Elegance is a PRACTICE.

Which leads me to the next point.

Elegance is full of grace & grit.

My elegant grandmother approached each day with grace and grit. She was perfectly imperfect. And she was so elegant.

A lot of women have convinced themselves that to be elegant they must be perfect.

Lie, lie, lie!

Perfectionism is for the fearful — those fearful of what others will think, not being good enough and failing.

Grace is the loving forgiveness we must extend ourselves when we scream at the kids, eat an extra cookie or any action that doesn’t align with what we deeply want. To me, grace is all about holding my own hand when my mind tells me I should scold myself instead.

Grit is the courage and strength to navigate our lives based on what we value and desire. It’s about feeling the discomfort that will occur when you start to live your life on purpose. It’s about facing your fear, not running from it.

Elegance is the essence of French Kissing Life.

It’s how I aim to live, and some days I do better than others.

And when I notice that I’ve fallen off the beam, I simply get back on.

No guilt.

No shame.

Just grace and grit.

Want to join me in adding a little elegance into your everyday?

Be sure to register for my free course, and I will personally coach you.

Note: This course is only available to readers for a limited time.

========

After you have registered for my free course.

Please tell me in the comments :

What would your life look and feel like if you were to embrace elegance as a way of life?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post Elegance: Beyond Pearls & Lipstick appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

“A flower blossoms for its own joy.”
~ Oscar Wilde

I just finished arranging white tulips in a lovely crystal vase.

Three arrangements, to be precise.

Each week, I stop by the local grocery store or the farmer’s market to pick up three bouquets of flowers — one for my kitchen, dining room and office.

This simple weekly flower purchase has made me rich.

Now you might be thinking……
What? That’s absurd! How is that possible?

Let me explain…

A bouquet of flowers may seem senseless and impractical. But it’s not.

Why spend money on something that will soon die, right?

That was my thinking for years until I visited Madame Clement’s house.

When I walked into her home for dinner, I was enraptured by this beautiful, sweet scent. A vase of white roses sat on her foyer table.

As the night progressed, I noticed that she had fresh flowers in every room.

Yes. EVERY ROOM!

I felt a surge of envy and awe.

I thought to myself.

“Who has that kind of money to be so frivolous on something that is going to last only a short while? And the time she must spend on fussing with the arrangements?”

I was too busy surviving a life that I had no time for such nonsense and impracticalities. I only thought about getting through another day.

The constant tape of “there’s not enough money or time” had made me into the kind of woman whose home (and life) was rather dull.

I was too busy …

… trying to lose weight.
… make more money.
… taking care of everyone else.
… trying to get ahead.
… keeping it together.

The truth was, I was too busy complaining about my life that I wasn’t creating it. My life was being driven out of fear, not beauty.

The simple pleasures and non-essentials that truly make life worth living were something I dreamed for one day, but never today.

Who has time to make things beautiful when you’re putting out fires? I was running my life on the fumes of fear, not beauty.

Just like the person being chased by a bear in the woods isn’t thinking about what to cook for dinner, I had become a woman living in fight or flight who didn’t have the emotional capacity to create my life.

Yet, when I dreamed of my future self, I wanted to be a rich woman, and this feeling was beyond just having money. (Because having money doesn’t necessarily mean “rich” — and I know this from experience: I have had money and felt poor, and had money and felt rich).

I wanted rich experiences.
I wanted an overflowing feeling of abundance.
I desired to surround myself with beautiful things sans guilt.
I yearned for a deep knowing that there is always enough for all of us.
I wanted to be the kind of woman who honors her everyday life.

If I wanted to become a rich woman, I had to stop acting so poor.

Madame Clement didn’t realize it, but she inspired me to buy flowers for myself as soon as I returned home — a bouquet of $8 tulips from Walmart (gasp!).

This may not seem like a big deal, but if your mind has been conditioned for lack, it’s a brave act to spend money on something that seems so frivolous.

One simple (and relatively inexpensive) action — to spend money and time to place fresh cut flowers in my home — caused a wave of other seemingly small actions.

Flowers have become my permission slip to add more elegance to my every day and to make everything around me beautiful.

“The earth laughs in flowers.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
{click to tweet}

I know this to be true because I remember after placing the tulips in my kitchen, I’d smile every time I walked by.

I carried that little jolt of joy with me to work. And, people started to notice.

I bought more flowers.

Next thing I knew, I began thinking differently about money, learning to trust the belief that there’s always enough.

I got a raise at work. Voila!

As I began to relax into abundance, the world started to feel like a playground instead of a battlefield. This sense of enjoyment of life inspired me to sign up for sommelier school.

Sommelier school was where I was introduced to the stories and richness of the world of wine, not to mention the rare wines I was able to taste.

I felt even more abundant.

Next thing you know, I was writing restaurant reviews and getting paid to set up wine programs.

That internal state of richness started to show up in my outer world.

I began to make more quality choices, such as buying one pair chic designer sunglasses versus twenty mediocre ones.

As I began feeling and acting like an abundant woman, the loud voice of “not enough” began to fade.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was collecting evidence for a new belief:

I am a rich woman.

Looking back at the beginning of my love affair with flowers, I’ve come to realize that they’ve transformed me into a woman who feels abundant. One vase of $8 tulips from Walmart led to new beliefs and feelings and, over time, completely different experiences.

Yes, today I make more money since that day in Walmart, but I’m no Oprah.

However, the richness of life that I’m speaking of doesn’t cost a fortune.

It’s that feeling of luxury I felt when I walked into Madame Clement’s simple yet elegant home.

It’s looking for what’s going right instead of wrong.

It’s taking the time to cultivate beauty in your everyday life.

It’s waking up with a heart full of gratitude for another day.

It’s that deep feeling of abundance that can be cultivated regardless of how much money you have in the bank.

And, you may discover what I’ve experienced:

When you become rich on the inside, your world will start to become more rich.

A colleague recently posted something on Facebook that caused me to question how we’re trying to go about changing our lives.

She said, “Since when did buying yourself flowers become a personal development tool?”

I thought,

“Yeah, why don’t we all walk on coals, sit in sweat lodges and call that a life!”

Okay, I’ll admit, that thought I had was little judgemental.

However, I’ve learned that, regardless of what many experts may try to convince you, there is no one way to personal growth. We all have such unique desires and souls, so we must pay attention to when we fill inspired and passionate and what makes our daily lives feel rich.

Some find those elevated emotions in intense seminars and creating vision boards (not me!).

Others, such as myself, find it in the most unusual places, such as a vase of flowers, a swanky hotel lobby or Bergdorf Goodmans.

Yes, I’m the type of gal who can talk about God and a great handbag in the same sentence.

The point is to stop romancing the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that keep you stuck in a life of famine.

You’ll Never Become Rich if Life is Never Enough

Each day at work, I coach women who are constantly trying to improve themselves — go harder, push more and reach goals.

And, for many, it never seems like enough, no matter how many accolades they receive, goals they reach or money they make.

This is the dark side of personal development: constantly trying to improve ourselves because, at the core, we believe we’re not enough. And, we become trapped in the constant striving to fix ourselves (even though no one is broken). This leads to the “one day when” mentality which causes us to avoid doing the very things that would lead us to feel better. It’s crazy-making, y’all.

That $8 bouquet of flowers was my declaration to life that I wasn’t going to continue putting my life on hold until “one day.”

In fact, it was my bold commitment to living richly and well.

It was me going out into life and collecting evidence for new beliefs, such as:

I deserve a beautiful life.

I can create the time.

There is enough.

I can afford this.

Beauty is everywhere.

Create a Rich State of Mind

Sitting at home trying to fix yourself doesn’t change you. Delaying the feeling of your desires doesn’t inspire you. And, waiting for your bank account to be a certain number to feel rich will keep you poor.

Do you want to live a rich life? Stop feeling and acting so poor.

One of the best ways to become rich is to start feeling rich in the life you have right now.

Perhaps you:

Stop and take in a deep glorious breath.

Turn on some jazz in the mornings as you’re getting ready for work.

Sit down with your cup of coffee and peruse your favorite magazine before going to work.

Celebrate something every single day.

Give to your favorite charity (even if it’s only $5).

Splurge on a bottle of truffle oil (I recommend drizzling over your eggs).

Take a luxurious bubble bath before going to bed.

Invest in a beautiful set of lingerie.

There are SO many options to living richly in our everyday, but you must stop putting your happiness (or a vase of flowers or a trip) on hold until one step when. If you do, you’re robbing yourself of a well-lived life, and it will for sure, slow your progress to reaching your goals, including creating a rich life.

Adding Luxury to your Every Day IS Personal Development

To my friend who “poo-poo”ed flowers as a personal development tool, all I have to say is “For me, it’s been one of the best.”

The stories of “not enoughness” I held true about myself and life were transformed by elevating the quality of my everyday, starting with my first bouquet of flowers. My mind fought me every step of the way until it realized, “This girl is heading in a whole new direction and we can’t stop her.”

By creating everyday luxurious experiences, ones I knew my 90-year old self would toast me for one day, I created a whole new state of being. I became truly rich from the inside-out.

You see, it’s never about the clothes, the shoes, the flowers or other externalities, but it’s about who you must become to actually see yourself as worthy enough to surround yourself with beautiful things.

It’s forcing your mind to believe in something other than scarcity and struggle.

Buying myself flowers that day was the beginning of seeing this very day as one to be celebrated and adored. It was an act of courage to see myself as worthy enough of $8.

It was a reminder to tend to the details of my life, to touch pause and see this day as deserving my attention.

That day in Wal-mart was the beginning of me deciding to not put my life or beauty on hold until one day but to embody my future self NOW.

That was the beginning of me becoming rich.

When it comes to personal development, everyone’s journey is different. And, yes, it’s imperative that you unravel the painful stories that are holding you back. But, in the meantime, go buy yourself a bouquet of flowers and you may discover that in all that living, the story unravels itself.

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: How do you plan to add richness to your life…..starting today?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post How an $8 Bouquet of Tulips Made Me Rich appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

Most people would not put the words “spiritual” and “handbag” in the same sentence.

But, I’m not like most people.

I’ve found God at Bergdorf’s.

I’ve had a spiritual experience at the Ritz Carlton.

And more recently, I had an awakening while on the search for the perfect handbag in Paris.

I believe that the presence of a higher power is everywhere, in everything, and in everyone. Everything we think, feel and choose is an expression of our soul. Spirituality is not just what happens for one hour every Sunday morning.

So be sure that you choose wisely and well in everything you do.

Curious?

Let me share a story that explains…

My Love Smack from God at Chanel’s Flagship in Paris.

Upon arriving in Paris, I knew I was going to invest in a fantastic handbag.

It was my gift to myself for raising my daughter and sending her off to school.

I had already decided.

It was going to be a Chanel.

Because isn’t that the handbag every woman should own?

So, on a Wednesday afternoon, my Uber dropped me off at 31 Rue Cambon

And I entered a dream-like state.
I sauntered past Coco’s iconic staircase.
Yes, I had found Bliss.

And my breath was taken away.

Literally.

Suddenly my ribs were squeezed so tight it was hard to breathe.

While I was in my dream state, I realized that I had been herded into the store with what felt like hundreds of other people who apparently had the same idea as me.

Packed into the renowned boutique like a can of sardines, I attempted to squeeze myself between the other raving fans so I could at least get a close up look at the classic Chanel flap bag. But our bodies were so packed tightly, I could only see a glimpse from afar.

I had such a romantic idea brewing in my mind that visiting Chanel during Paris Fashion Week would be so intimate and special.

Quickly, I began to wonder what the heck I was doing.

I asked myself,

“Tonya, why do you really want a Chanel bag?”

As I was being pushed and elbowed from every side, I began to do this mental inventory of why I was standing in the store at that very moment.

I was on the brink of a spiritual awakening, and it came at the most unexpected time (as it usually does).

That’s when I realized the real reason why I was there.

And it made me sick to my stomach.

I was standing inside Chanel because of vanity.

A Chanel bag, in my eyes, was a sign of accomplishment.

I had this belief that when you carry a Chanel, it’s like carrying a badge of honor like you’ve finally “arrived” as a woman.

I remember seeing women at the airport with the iconic flap around their shoulder and thinking,

“Wow, they must be important.”

Or

“They must have a man that really loves them.”

I glanced around the store again. There were several men in the Chanel store buying their wife (or mistresses) a bag.

My throat tightened up.

I started to ask myself:

Am I here because I want to feel and look important?
Do I not feel loved because my man isn’t buying it for me?
Am I here out of pride?

I was having a hard time breathing.

I needed to get some air.

Now.

I ran out of the Chanel store as fast as I could.

I’d never felt so free and happy out on that Parisian sidewalk.

I was still a lady without her haute couture handbag, but I had something so much better.

I had uncovered a deep knowing of who I am as a woman.

I don’t want to buy things to impress others or fill a hole in the soul that things can’t fill. I want to invest in things that bring me joy.

I went to my favorite people watching bar, Hotel Costes, to celebrate with a French Kiss cocktail carrying my old purse that I’d been carrying for years.

As I sat there all alone thinking about what had just happened, I realized that this wasn’t about a Chanel bag.

I thought about the many women I know who carry their Chanel with so much love and true joy. They bought it for the right reason. One of my favorite gifts ever is a pair of Chanel earrings given to me by a client (she has a true lover and aficionado of Chanel).

This was about being my own woman and really knowing what I like, instead of following trends and shoulds or vanity.

This was about me listening to my heart.

One of the ways I make decisions is to ask myself, “Why?”

And, if at the bottom of that questioning is a reason I don’t like, I don’t do it.

I didn’t like my reason for wanting a Chanel bag.

And for that reason, I didn’t buy it.

Don’t ignore taking a good look at the flip side of vanity. 

While I had determined that my handbag wouldn’t be Chanel, I was not about to abort my mission. I was still on the hunt for my handbag.

However, it was Paris, and I knew that there are some missions a girl shouldn’t go it alone.

This was one of them.

A few days later, I met up with my friend and Parisian stylist, Helene, on Avenue Montaigne, the Paris equivalent of NYC’s 5th Avenue. I told her about my whole Chanel drama, she told me: “Oh, I’m so glad you didn’t buy it.”

I was curious about why a Parisian woman would say that. In fact, it felt like blasphemy. She replied: “Tonya, you won’t see many Parisian women wearing a Chanel bag. It’s so cliche. There are better bags out there for you.”

Now, I had to be really careful not to go down the reverse snobbery hole of this thought:

“I knew it! I’m too cool for Chanel.”

This is a form of spiritual snobbery, to be precise.

This is a seemingly “justified” flipside of vanity these days and has crept into so many of our minds. Mine included!

I am not going to lie, for a moment, I started to feel it.

But, when I noticed where my mind was going after Helene made that comment, I laughed because I knew in that it was just a different side of the same vanity coin.

I simply wanted a handbag that felt like me.

With my trusted style guide by my side, we set off on my spiritual quest for my handbag.

Why are handbags so important to women?

A quality handbag has a unique story to each of us.

First, there is the story of the vision behind its creation, as well as the artisan who’s given birth to it.

Then there’s the story you recall about your experience in the search, deciding upon, and ultimately purchasing it. Where you were, who you were with, how you felt, how it makes you feel. You’re why.

But, more importantly, your handbag will carry the story of your life.

Handbags are our constant sidekick through life– the date nights, running errands with the kids, buying your first home, walking down the streets of NYC, watching your daughter’s dance recital.

She’s always there offering you something simple but needed: a credit card, a handkerchief, a fresh mint, some ibuprofen, a tube of lipstick, your phone, your passport.

She is always by your side.

Oh, it’s about so much more than the handbag.

I didn’t need a new purse. My old purse did the job just fine.

But did I really want one? The answer was clear: YES.

I was going to get a handbag.

Yet, the big question was still unanswered:

Why was I was doing this in the first place?

I realized that I had another false belief that my “why” had to be grand and profound and deep, like it would help me save the world or be a resounding symbol of self-love.

But it wasn’t.

And I really I liked my reason.

It was this:

I appreciate beautiful, well-crafted things.

I like things that will last a lifetime or three.

I love finding things that I can pass down to my daughter, and in turn, she can give to her daughter.

I love making investments in things that never go out of style; items that will appreciate in value over time.

I really like handbags.

Heck, two years later, I still like my reason.

When it comes to purchases, I take them seriously.

They hold the treasured memories of my past as well as the dreams of my future.

Like the big comfy sweater that will forever remind me of one of my first nights with Glenn sitting outside by a fire, or the gold pendant I wear that is engraved with my daughter’s beautiful face.

It’s about how it makes you feel and the memories you’ll associate with the things you own.

Follow Your Heart and You’ll Find Your <insert luxury item here>.

So there I was strolling the streets of Paris with Helene, contemplating the memories I wanted to make and the dreams that I wanted to live.

And these thoughts guided me to the bag that was to be ultimately mine.

My eyes were magnetically drawn to the storefront of Dior.

The entry felt how I want my life to feel — elegant, feminine and powerful.

As we walked in, we were greeted by the most lovely staff, one of which presented Lady Diana with her Lady Dior bag, made in her honor.

And I always adored Lady Diana, so this was yet another sign!

They brought us Champagne, shoes, and bags. I was in heaven. My soul was at ease.

I knew that my next bag would be a Dior.

But, because Dior had just come on my radar as a contestant in my handbag search, I wasn’t ready to make my purchase.

Not just yet.

Buying a designer handbag, for me, is like choosing your next house.

You better like it, because it’s going to be with you for awhile.

I figured that if it was the bag for me, a few days of waiting would tell the truth.

And so I waited.

Then God spoke to me through the Dior salesman.

I took Glenn hostage and dragged him with me to Dior the next week.

We were escorted to a special room where we were served Champagne (the Parisians really know how to quench a lady’s thirst). I told the salesperson about the bag I was thinking about and asked to see it in several colors.

While we were waiting for him to return, I recalled a conversation I’d had earlier in the week with a friend at a cafe in St. Germain.

(Yes, I find that lots of epiphanies happen for me during the seemingly hum-drum “waiting” moments in my life. Note to you: Make sure you are always listening, especially in the unexpected slow times – don’t get tempted to just get busy with unnecessary chatter or phone checking because it feels uncomfortable! The signs are often found in the silence.)

We were having a fun discussion about the next evolution of ourselves. I am SO passionate about the idea that, we women, get to create ourselves (not fix ourselves).

I described the woman I wanted to be as a modern lady.

I explained to her what “A Modern Lady” meant to me:

• She has a feminine edge.
• She is kind yet has a red velvet rope policy.
• She is sophisticated yet down to earth.
• She knows what she wants.

As promised, the gentleman returned with Diorama handbag, in several colors. I tried them each on in a non-hurried fashion: First black, then navy, and then in grey.

I slid the silver chain holding the grey bag over my shoulder.

That’s when I heard God.

The salesman looked at me with single-pointed focus and said:

“This is “the” bag for the modern lady.”

WHAT?!?!?

I knew it.

This was my bag.

Spirituality isn’t only found in shrines and silence.

“Materialism” gets such a bad rap. Yes, things won’t give you permanent happiness. Yes, our society is obsessed with constant consumerism.

But, when we French Kiss Life, we choose to look at all things through the eyes of spirituality. Everything we purchase, including a handbag, is energy. And, what we consume, carry and converse about is creating our lives.

No, you don’t have to renounce consumerism to be a spiritual person.

Not when you’re French Kissing Life, at least.

Spirituality is a broad concept that has a lot of room for interpretation. My flavor of spirituality is knowing that we are connected to something bigger than ourselves and enjoying and appreciating this life we’ve been blessed with. When you’re in a state of gratitude and joy, you are connected with God.

And in my case, God tapped me on the shoulder in Paris and led me straight out of Chanel and into Christian Dior, to find my perfect handbag. And I learned so much about myself in the process.

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: What are your beliefs about Luxury & Spirituality? How might you be inspired to look at things differently when you’re looking to make a future investment in your next “impractical” luxury purchase?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post My Parisian Spiritual Search <br>for the “IT” Bag appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen

As I opened up my luggage after a trip to L.A., I was met with the strong scent of perfume.

That’s when I saw it.

My brand new coral and gold Missoni dress had two dark purple round stains about the size of softballs on the front. I’d only worn once at the French Kiss Life World Tour in L.A.

Underneath the Missoni dress, I found another big blotch on the leather of my adorable white Furla purse I’d purchased in Paris.

It didn’t just stop there. An Italian cream cashmere cardigan that still had the tags still on was also affected.

My favorite perfume bottle had apparently exploded in transit.

All. Over. Everything.

Now, before I finish the story, tell me:

How would you have felt?

Really, feel into it.

Most women would have suffered.

I know the woman I was five years ago would have. I’m sure I would have run the stories about:

• how careless and stupid I was
• how much money I’d just wasted
• how much I’d miss the outfits
• how I’d probably never find the perfume again (it was bought in Grasse, France).

A Drama Queen’s Miracle.

Instead, here’s what happened:

I didn’t get upset at all.

First, I laughed.

Next, I picked up the Missoni dress and wondered if I could get the stain out.

Knowing my domestic abilities, especially when it comes to laundering, I decided that I needed a professional. I gathered the affected clothes and placed in a bag to take to the dry cleaner.

Then, I got on with my day.

No drama.

I can’t express how shocked and proud I am of my response. I’ve worked hard to style my mind to not suffer needlessly.

Sometimes, I do a fabulous job, such as this incident. Other times, I suffer.

But, I know I’m always the one creating it.

In life, there are facts and there’s fiction.

The fiction, or story we tell, can either free us or shackle us.

In this situation, the facts were:

Perfume had leaked into my luggage and stained my clothing and accessories.

Everything else was fiction.

Drama is not necessary.

You get to choose how you frame the facts of your life, and I’ve learned that it doesn’t serve us to tell a painful story.

In this case, I chose to tell the story of:

No one died.
Nothing of real value has been lost.
These are just material goods.
I’ll see if it can be addressed.

And, with that, I felt relief. I didn’t suffer needlessly.

When you appreciate Buddha and fashion.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I adore my things and want to take excellent care of them.

However, The Buddha said,

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

First of all, I’m tickled that I can talk about a Missoni dress and Buddha in the same article.

Secondly, while I adore my things, I love my inner state of being more. Because of this, I’m learning to be less attached to things and expectations.

When things don’t go my way (and they often don’t), the old me would spiral into despair running to the pantry to find my bag of Cheetos to drown out my problems.

However, I’ve styled my mind to be both excited about what I can create and letting go of the attachment of it having to happen to feel good.

This means …

When the eggs fall on the floor… I clean them up.
When my man is cranky… I offer him a hug.
When I burn dinner… I find something else to eat.

And, when perfume stains my clothes… I take them to the cleaners.

I strive to not waste my energy arguing with reality. That only causes needless suffering.

We’re not in charge of life. Things leak. People are people. Clothes get stained.

But, the good news is that you are in charge of your story.

Tell yourself stories that free you from suffering.

When you French Kiss Life, you understand that suffering is optional.

Without the painful story, there is no drama.
{click to tweet}

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: What’s something over which you’ve been unnecessarily suffering? How can you tell a story that offers a bit of relief?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post What a Missoni Dress Taught<br> Me About Suffering appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

I’ll always remember it as my “day of humiliation.”

It was sometime during my 7th-grade year.

Like many young girls, I was insecure and awkward — long legs and lanky, acne, and I hadn’t grown into my teeth yet (big teeth, small face).

However, some memories are etched deep into our minds.

That’s the case of that fateful day for me when my style became my fear.

In fact, it’s gone down in my history books as the worst day of Middle School.

Just a teenager trying to find her style.

Posters of Rob Lowe and Kirk Cameron were hanging on my wall.

I was sneaking around to watch Pretty in Pink and Can’t Buy Me Love.

(yes, while the other kids were allowed to go, I had to lie to my parents re: my whereabouts because I wasn’t allowed to go to the movies.)

Style-wise, it was a time of acid washed jeans, aviator sunglasses (thanks to Tom Cruise in Top Gun), studded leather jackets, and multiple ear piercings. Let’s not forget Swatch watches and “Member’s Only” jackets. (Do you remember those?)

My 7th Grade Style Experiment

While I was desperately wanting to fit in, I can assure you that with my personal style, I was not a member of the trendy club.

One thing I had going for me is that I didn’t want to look like everyone else.

While I see this as a good thing now, back then it didn’t feel like such a great idea, especially when I had no sense of style and was on my quest to find it.

But there was another factor to consider when on my quest to find my personal style: my family didn’t have the money.

Paying eighty dollars for the expensive “Member’s Only” classic jacket was out of the question, so they bought me the knockoff called the “YMCA.” It looked the same, but everyone knew (including myself) that I wasn’t cool like the rest.

So, while the popular (and rich) kids were staying on trend, I always felt behind with my hand me downs and knockoffs.

I needed to find my style.

And it needed to be affordable.

Discovering my Signature Piece in My Grandma’s Shed

So, I headed to my grandma’s house.

My dad’s parents lived behind us in a single wide trailer. I would sometimes have to stay with them. While I loved them dearly, it wasn’t my favorite place to go. It smelled of mothballs, cigarettes and burnt food.

Unlike my mom and her mother, who always kept their homes immaculate, my dad’s mom didn’t inherit the domestic gene.

But, she did have a unique gift:

She found the most eccentric things at flea markets and yard sales.

My grandpa built a shed behind their house beside the grapevine to house all of their stuff. Looking back, I realize they were hoarders. But as a young girl, I saw them as collectors of exotic things.

The shed became my escape from the cigarette smoke and my entrance into a whole other world.

In it, I’d found assorted even teacups and saucers and host tea parties with my imaginary friends. There were old dolls that I’d clean up and clothe. I found a violin and attempted to become a modern-day Mozart. I discovered the world through maps, books and all sorts of treasures in that shed.

The shed also became the place where I would start my quest to discover my style.

There were also boxes and boxes of clothes and accessories that my grandmother had collected over the years. Looking back, I’m sure that there were some vintage pieces that would have stood the test of time. However, vintage wasn’t cool to a 12-year old back then. And honestly, what did I know as I did not yet have a very well honed understanding of style savvy.

One autumn afternoon, while rummaging through a box of clothing, I found a pair of burnt orange over the knee boots with a huge platform and five-inch block heel.

(Think Brigitte Bardot. )

My heart skipped a beat.

I also found a “perfect” length pencil jean skirt.

(read: the length was “perfect” because I wasn’t allowed to show my legs so the skirt hit right where the boots stopped. )

I put on the ensemble, looked in the dusty shed mirror, and loved what I saw. It was unlike anything I’d seen the other girls wear. It was so unique. And it was so me! I felt alive!

There was only one problem:

Walking in them.

Plus, they smelled like mothballs.

I spent a week practicing sashaying down the ramp of the shed to avoid looking like a duck.

And, I knew the outfit needed a bit more panache. I found a simple white t-shirt. But, I felt like it needed something else. A blazer! Yes, integrating a classic with the edge. Brilliant!

The only person I knew that had a blazer was my dad, so I raided his closet. Keep in mind, my dad is six feet six inches tall. The blazer I found didn’t exactly fit well but it *did* have a hint of orange, so I was thinking more about the color palette versus the fit.

Yes, I had assembled my own style.

And I was so proud of my artistry.

It was time to make my middle school hallway my runway.

I was so excited to wear my new outfit to school, and yet, at the same time, I had knots in my stomach.

I knew it was unlike anything that I’d seen walking the school halls before.

My worst day of middle school. Here’s how it went down.

Suffice to say, I wasn’t prepared for the first wave of humiliation.

I stepped onto the school bus, and every kid burst into laughter.

Even the bus driver joined them.

I felt nauseous, but I couldn’t get off the bus as it had already started to roll away.

This response had me in a panic about walking into school.

With sweaty palms and a weird gait (because despite all my practice, I was still walking like a duck down the hall), I attempted to sneak into Mr. Austin’s first-period science class.

Too late.

The bell was ringing. I was the last one to take a seat.

Mr. Austin had a sarcastic wit about him, but that day, it wasn’t much appreciated on my part.

“Well, Miss Rising, did you think today was Halloween?”

My classmates broke out into laughter.

For the next two hours, I attempted to hold my head high as I wobbled down the hall from class to class getting stares, laughs and the typical middle school jokes.

My excitement for style began to fade into self-loathing.

Why did you wear this?
What were you thinking?
You’re not one of those cool kids that can pull this off.
Just stop trying to stand out.
Who do you think you are?
You’re just a poor girl who lives in a trailer.

And, with that, my poor little heart couldn’t take any more.

I’m not sure if it was the kid’s cruelty or my own that had me wave the white flag of surrender.

I called my mother and told her I had a stomach ache (because “my heart hurts” was not an excuse to leave school). With tears in my eyes, I waited in the office for her to come pick me up.

As usual, my mom was always there for me.

She picked me up and didn’t ask many questions. I think she knew it wasn’t my stomach but what I had to endure that day when I attempted to become a “girl of style.”

I never wore those boots or played dress up in that shed again.

I began to accept that I was not a stylish girl.

I reverted back to my old wardrobe — safe and known.

I’ve been thinking about that little girl a lot lately.

Little did I know that this humiliating day would actually mark the turning point for me as an adult in developing my own personal style and into the woman who I am today.

Looking back, if I could reverse time, here are some things I’d like to tell her:

A Letter from moi to my 12-year-old Self.

My Dear, Sweet, Girl:

All those questions you have, about the travel, fashion, love, growth, spirituality?

Be brave enough to follow them.

You may not realize it now, but …

Your curiosity is your strength.

Your answers will be found in living out the questions.

Keep your desire to play around with clothes, write stories, study caterpillars, read books, travel even if it’s in your own mind. But, don’t ever stop being curious about the world, yourself and others.

Your imagination is the most beautiful part of you. Nurture it every day. It will lead you to dream worlds that may one day become your reality.

You’re not here to be perfect; You’re here to explore and play.

Be willing to …

… put together horrible outfits.
… publish terrible work.
… freeze on stage.
… burn the lasagna.
… make a fool of yourself.
… do those things that scare you.
… be judged.
… take risks (especially style ones)

In all that living, you’ll realize that being perfect is boring.

And, when you forget, I want you to remember Rumi’s wisdom: “Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where people were always kind and celebrated each other’s effort to experiment and grow?

But, darling, that is not the world we live in.

Accept that as a fact of life. Let it be.

Be willing to allow people to judge you.

When people make their sarcastic comments, laugh at your failures and speak ill will towards you, extend them, love. They are hurting, but never let their hurt invade your joyful heart.

This isn’t a contest where you’re being judged on whether you are getting it right or wrong.

It’s a playground for you to have fun.

Follow what feels good and true.

You have a unique soul, one that will guide you throughout life if you’ll listen. How do you know when it’s speaking?

Notice how you feel. What brings you joy? Makes your heart skip a beat? Feels like freedom and love? Follow that.

Everything else is simply a distraction from your own glorious path.

When your heart hurts (because trust me, it will), don’t be afraid to call someone.

In this lifetime, your heart will break into a million pieces. It’s part of what you signed up for as a human being. Allow it to shatter over and over again, knowing that no one can ever break your spirit. You are so much more than shattered bits. And, when your heart hurts, don’t ever feel too prideful or ashamed to pick up the phone and call your mom, friend, therapist, coach or whoever will hold space for you to heal.

Don’t think you have to put on a happy face and pretend that it’s all okay because we both know it’s not.

Your vulnerability is what makes you beautiful as a woman.

Face the hurt with people who can guide you through it so that you always come out wiser and stronger on the other side.

And, I think that outfit you wore today would have been a huge hit at Paris Fashion Week.

Keep being you, my sweet girl.

The world is waiting.

I love you!

Love,
Tonya

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: Do you have a childhood memory that still haunts you? Picture yourself. Pretend she’s sitting in front of you. What would you want her to know?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post How to recover from a style disaster <br>{A love letter to my 12-year old self} appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

I must start out by telling you that I’m not French.

And, I never will be.

In fact, after so many failed attempts at speaking French (along with my constant smiling, which confuses the French) I’m SO glad that I’m not.

However, all things French and I have been having a not-so-secret love affair for a very long time.

But, that doesn’t mean that I can’t admire other cultures.

I enjoy so many places and its people, but the French culture definitely has that je ne sais quoi.

I often wonder why this is.

What is it about the French that makes us yearn to know more?

… Is it because the French seem to turn ordinary moments into poetic works of art?

… Or, is it due to their leisurely pace and the fact that their language has a specific word “flaneur” to describe this action?

… Perhaps it could have something to do with their decadent, buttery croissants, or their old world styled wines?

… Of course, it might be their chic and effortless style, like they rolled out of bed looking fabulous?

On my list, the reasons for intrigue were endless.

I knew years ago that I wanted to add a little French twist to my everyday life.

I wanted to spend more time embracing my “being” versus trying to compete with my doing.

I desired to infuse my daily life with more simple pleasures.

I really wanted to stop looking like a frumpy mom and make the world my runway.

And, of course, I wanted to end years of fearing food and hiding my body out of shame and experience true pleasure.

Years ago, I started doing really petit things in my very normal life back home to mimic my days spent in France.

And, over time, this practice has created little miracles, such as more joy, less overwhelm, peace with food, a deep appreciation for my daily life, more creativity and a sense of romanticism while doing very ordinary things like scrubbing the toilet.

How to add a French Twist into your Life

So, the moral of this story is this:

Anyone, no matter where you live, you can do add a little French into your life.

Here are nine possibilities:

1. Ease Into Your Day

Walk by a French cafe, and you won’t see people’s heads buried in their laptop or smartphones. Instead, you’ll see them sipping on café crème, savoring a croissant, reading the paper or a good book or they may be just staring at the world passing by.

The French ease into their day. They do not skyrocket from their bed in a hurried frenzy.

As much as you may believe that perusing social media is fun or watching the news keeps you aware, it’s not the way to start a beautiful day. And, if you’re being honest with yourself, it’s a habit that’s not supporting you.

While you may have a job that requires you to be in the office by 8 AM or kids to get ready for school, easing into your day is possible for everyone.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Spend a minimum of 15 minutes each morning this week doing something that nourishes you. Experiment with things such as journaling, a hot bath, a stroll around the neighborhood, stretching those stiff muscles. Whatever it is, practice easing into your day relaxed and intentional. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

2. Display Your Love

When I saw a couple coiled together like two snakes on the beach at Cap d’Antibes, I realized how sheltered I’d been by the puritanical culture that often causes us to think or even say aloud, “Hey, take it to the bedroom.”

Isn’t it fascinating that we live in a culture that allows us to carry guns, but we get bent out of shape if we see people showing love and affection for one another?

There is a sensuality that runs through the veins of French people, and they are not afraid to openly display it to whoever may be passing by. But, this affection isn’t just reserved for lovers. It’s for friends too! I adore the double kiss on the cheeks that close acquaintances share with one another.

Of course, this may feel uncomfortable if you weren’t raised around physical affection. And, I’m not suggesting that you change. In fact, everything I share is a suggestion. I never assume that I know what’s best for you, but I do know that when you begin to question why you are the way you are, you may find that it was programmed into you without consent. And, the programming can be changed. Consider your beliefs around physical affection; you may discover that underneath that aloofness is a person who wants to tap into their sensual side and be a little risque!

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Hug your kids more often this week. Kiss your friends on the cheek when you see them this week. Lean over the table at the restaurant on your next date, and give your lover a kiss, with passion, yes, in public. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

3. Eat for Pleasure

When I arrived in Paris the first time, I thought I’d be enraptured by the beautiful buildings or the designer boutiques, but what mesmerized me most was watching French people eat with pure enjoyment. For a woman who had battled with my weight and food for way too long, this was as miraculous and Moses parting the Red Sea.

The French seem to have their cake and eat it too. Yes, I’m talking about those slim physiques and rich foods co-existing in a pleasurable way of eating. Are they just genetically gifted? Mais non! They have just learned the art of dining, which includes moderation, fresh foods and no guilt.

This was the first thing I put into practice when I returned home. I read every book I could find on French food and their way of eating. Of course, I have a lot to share on this topic. I developed a program centered around this concept. 

But, the core of it are these 5 Rules of French Dining:

1. Eat fresh, high-quality foods
2. Eat three times a day. No snacking.
3. Savor each bite.
4. Learn to stop when you’re elegantly satisfied.
5. Never, ever beat yourself up for eating food.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Practice and experiment with the 5 Rules of French Dining (see above). BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge?
Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

4. Create Your Own French Sunday

When I book a trip to France, I make sure that it includes a Sunday. Why? It’s like showing up for a French holiday, except it happens every weekend. Most stores are closed and restaurants are open, forcing you to focus on the truly important things in life – family and friends with a side of delicious food and intoxicating conversation. It’s a day of doing nothing, except what you truly want to do.

With the American focus on productivity and overscheduled lives, I think it’s time we all create our own French Sunday. What do you think?

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Virginia Wolfe spoke about A Room of One’s Own. I want you to think about “A Day of One’s Own” that you set aside each week to slow down and enjoy your life. On this day, do what you love, whether it’s painting or sitting in a hammock reading Shakespeare. On this day, anything goes, except checking off your to-do list. That can wait until Monday!

5. Invest in Luxurious Lingerie

A Parisian style expert once told me, “Lingerie is important because it’s the first thing you put on in the morning and the last thing you take off at night. It sets the tone for your entire day.” Upon a visit to France, you’ll realize the emphasis that is placed on a woman’s intimates based on the number of lingerie shops that can be found in a city block.

While, most likely, not everyone will see it, you know what’s underneath those clothes of yours. And, if everything is energy (and it is), then your underpinnings are impacting you whether you realize it or not.

I encourage women to get properly fitted for their bra, and it’s always a delight to hear the joy in a woman’s voice when she discovers her right size and indulges in wrapping her most intimate areas in luxurious lace. Think what you will, it matters. Go try it for yourself!

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Invest in a great lingerie set and notice how you walk a little taller and saucier. You are worth the investment. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

6. Look Your Best

The fashion in France (especially Paris) is a 24-7 runway show. It’s very obvious that the women and men here put thought and effort into how they present themselves to the world. It’s their form of self-expression and a part of their culture to look tres chic. Throwing on a pair of sweats and parading around the Promenade des Anglais simply does not even cross their mind as an option. They really do make the world their runway.

So, why does your dress matter? Well, I know when I’m having a rough day, a shower, great outfit and a little lipstick will pick up my spirits, and before you know it, I’m out of my head and back in the game.

Don’t forget: dressing your best doesn’t need to cost a fortune. Some of the chicest women I know dress on a budget. There is no price tag on true style.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

For the next week, consciously put thought into your wardrobe and commit to looking your best each day. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

7. Revel in Your Body

While lying on the beaches of Nice, I saw women of every body shape, size and color, and what I noticed was women owning their bodies. They weren’t trying to cover up their perceived flaws or hide underneath a beach towel. In fact, some of them were practically bearing it all.

For the record, I’m not a bear it all kind of gal, unless I’m skinny dipping in the moonlight. However, I’ve discovered a whole new way of being with my body, one of joy, deep appreciation, and understanding.

Watching those French women on the beaches gave me the courage to stop hiding my body out of shame and start embracing all that it allows me to enjoy.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

If you are a woman who tends to hide your body, just notice why. And, what do you gain from this behavior? Does it feel empowering and thrilling or defeating and draining? You may think you need to change your body before you begin to revel in it, but we have it backward. To change anything, you must stop fighting it. A woman who loves herself doesn’t hide; she radiates. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

8. Make Movement a Part of Your Everyday Routine

The common myth is that French people don’t exercise, and it’s true that you won’t find a lot of gyms in Paris (although they are more popular now than when I first visited over a decade ago) Yet, French do exercise, but it’s not planned bursts of activity that needs to involve machines, class schedules and instructors. Instead, it’s just a part of their lifestyle. They walk … a lot, take the stairs, play sports, swim, dance and have sex (that couts, doesn’t it?). Movement is just a way of life, not something they drive to the gym for.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:</u?

Explore ways to add more movement to your day. Perhaps a walk at lunch, taking the stairs, dancing or planning a game of volleyball or tennis on the weekend. Moving our bodies shouldn’t be a chore but a gift that we appreciate and indulge in daily. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

9. Simplify Your Life

Why do the French seem to have more time to enjoy life? It’s because they haven’t inundated themselves with massive debt, overwhelming amounts of stuff and overbooked calendars. The more simple your life, the richer it becomes.
One of the greatest takeaways from my time in France is that I desire to simplify my life down to only those things that I treasure most, and what I’ve discovered is that it’s the simple things paired with the relationships I have with the people I love that feeds my soul.

Your French Kiss Life Challenge:

Try my “3 Things” challenge this week: Remove 3 things from your environment that you don’t love and say “no”to 3 things you don’t want to do. Start clearing the clutter and calendar to give you more space to enjoy your life. BONUS: Want to celebrate your challenge? Snap a pic of your challenge and post to social media with hashtag #frenchkisslife

I’ve learned that the French have a very different mindset around life, which makes it easier for them to relax and slow down.

You, on the other hand, may have a lot of fear around what might happen if you take a little time out to focus on enjoying your life.

But, remember this:

You only have one life.

And if you’re not enjoying your current one, perhaps it’s time to take a leap of faith and infuse your life with a little French twist.

Want more inspiration?
I have a gift for you.
“An Insider’s Guide to the French Way of Life”
I wrote this book to help you incorporate the best of the French way of life into yours.

{CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD YOUR COPY}

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: This whole “Frenchify’ing life” thing … it’s easier said than done. But I, along with so many others are proof that it’s possible. Of the 9 ideas, what is the ONE you’re willing to commit to trying this week?

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!

The post 9 Ways to Frenchify Your Life appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

On a recent visit back home down South, my niece told me in her sweetest Southern drawl,

“Aunt Tonya, I saw a pic of you in the County Museum when you were the Strawberry Queen”

Yes, I held the titles of:

Little Miss Chadbourn
(the little town I grew up in)

And

……are you ready for this?

The Yam Queen

The Strawberry Queen

The Watermelon Queen

I know, it sounds more like a smoothie than a string of hard earned pageant titles.

Unless you grew up in the South drinking sweet tea and eating collard greens, you probably won’t understand.

During my Pageant days, I traveled across Virginia, Tennessee and North and South Carolina singing on stages, doing interviews, riding on top of my mom’s bright red Camaro in parades, participating in a watermelon seed spitting contests and all other sorts of shenanigans.

I won some and lost some. And in some of the Pageant winnings, in addition to earning a crown & sash, I was gifted scholarships which paid for most of my nursing school tuition.

Yet, when my niece mentioned seeing an old photo of me at the museum, well….

I laughed and cringed at the same time.

Maybe it’s because of the whole “Honey Boo Boo” stigma, or the thoughts of JonBenet Ramsey and the conspiracy theories around her murder. Perhaps it’s the sexualization of little girls that I don’t approve of or that I’m now so far removed from the pageant world. Whatever it is, it’s a part of my life I rarely think about ….and certainly don’t discuss.

Well, until recently…

It got me thinking about what being a Pageant Queen taught me about living a well-lived life.

Three decades and a lot of personal development later, I can now look back on my beauty pageant days and excavate the big lessons that it can teach us all.

There are some really fascinating parallels between my years as a Pageant girl and what I see happening with women in today’s society — competition, feeling less than, depending on our looks, wanting approval, just to name a few.

So, I thought I’d share with you the 10 lessons I learned from being a Pageant Queen:

1. Following your dreams is uncomfortable

On stage, my voice would tremble and I’d feel like I was going to vomit. I wanted to run, but the spotlight was on me, so all I could do is stand there and shake and smile. Eventually, it became my norm to go on stage and speak to hundreds of people, but I had to break through the discomfort to get to that place.

Every time I did it, I was scared out of my mind trying to hold a smile even though the corners of my mouth were trembling. I’d worry if the hundreds of people in the audience could hear the shakiness in my voice as I answered a question.

I remember the knots in my stomach as they called my name and I stepped into the spotlight to sing Liza Minelli’s “Cabaret.”

While I didn’t always win, the moment you hear your name not being called as the first runner up and being the only one left on stage indicating you are the winner was always an ecstatic feeling. All the hard work and practice paid off.

Most people procrastinate, eat and distract themselves from what they truly want simply because they don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

Instead of shrinking from the emotions, learn to feel them.

Show up. Do it anyway.

The worst thing that will ever happen when you’re going after your dreams is a feeling.
{Click to Tweet}

2. People will judge you. Make peace with it.

In beauty pageants, people are paid to judge you. You get a score. The score is tallied and depicts the winner.

Life is a lot like that too! People are constantly scoring and judging you, without the paycheck. But, life isn’t a pageant (even though it may feel like one). In real life, you get to be a winner despite what others think.

The only way to avoid judgment is to lock yourself up in your house and never leave. Even then someone will probably judge you for being a hermit.

Expect to be judged. Because you will be, and you are.

When you expect something, you’re not caught off guard when it happens.

Plus, their judgments say everything about them and nothing about you. You are responsible for your own thoughts and judgments.

What do you think of you? That’s the judgment you should be concerned with.

People will judge you. Expect it. Let people be wrong about you.
{Click to Tweet}

3. You will fail

I came in 2nd runner up three years in a row at the North Carolina Rhododendron Festival.

For three years, I practiced all year long and showed up only to get the same trophy each year.

However, I realize that along the journey, I met the most amazing people, learned more about myself and cultivated more confidence by continuing to get back out there.

In a recent interview with Sarah Blakely, founder of Spanx, I was fascinated hearing her talk about her relationship with failure.

At the dinner table, her dad would ask her, “What did you fail at this week?”

Instead of getting her cozy with success, he helped her become comfortable with failure. As a result, she wasn’t afraid of failure. It was something she walked towards, not backed down from. It was a sign that she was on the playing field of life, learning and growing. It’s no surprise that her net worth is over one billion dollars. That’s a billion with a “B.”

If you’re not failing, you’re not going after your dreams.
{Click to Tweet}

4. Allow yourself to shine

I won’t lie:

It felt fabulous to dress up, walk across the stage and step up to a microphone. What I loved most was singing on stage — the costumes, self-expression and seeing people’s face smile in the audience. I loved to shine.

Now that I’m decades away from my beauty pageant days, I can say that it was a fabulous experience as it taught me to do things in the face of fear, how to create confidence and communicate with groups of people.

Maybe that’s why as an adult I still love dressing up on the stage of life every day, and as a professional coach, I enjoy using my voice to share a powerful message that inspires women to birth a new way of living and being.

Whether it’s on a stage, in the kitchen or around a boardroom table, notice where your heart comes alive and have the courage to stand in that spotlight — with your knees trembling, knots in your stomach and your chest pounding.

Eventually, you’ll grow comfortable there, but to shine you must be willing to feel the discomfort of showing up fully.

Feel the discomfort, but don’t dull your shine.
{Click to Tweet}

5. People may leave. Let them Go.

During my pageant years, I lost friends. When you’re a young girl with an immature brain, losing friends is devastating.

I’ll never forget a group of my classmates booing my performance. I felt so much shame that I ran off the stage and cried for days promising that I’d never sing again. Of course, I did because I had committed to a show, but the passion of singing was replaced with shame.

A week after I won Strawberry Queen, I was cornered by a group of girls in the school bathroom and pushed to the ground. One of them said, “Stop thinking you’re better than us.” These were girls I’d laughed and eaten with. I thought they were my friends. I didn’t think I was better. I just wanted to belong.

I stopped pageants, singing and all the things I had enjoyed because I didn’t want to appear to be better than anyone. I didn’t want to lose anymore so called “friends”.

Success had become to mean that I wasn’t safe. So, I sabotaged myself often. If ever I outperformed on a test or felt like I was outshining another girl, I’d immediately apologize and try to prove how I wasn’t that special. I began to give into peer pressure — smoking in the same bathroom I’d been bullied in, sneaking out of the house for parties that involved a lot of drinking. running away from home…all because I wanted to fit in.

Looking back, I can see it clearly now: this is when I started to shrink in life.

Fear, not joy, began to run the show. In fact, I carried this behavior into my adulthood with excessive apologizing, dressing down, gaining weight and turning my back on my dreams.

I have learned from experience that you have two choices when it comes to your life: stay the same or evolve. If you choose the latter, people may leave. But, I promise you this: you’ll soon be welcoming in new faces into your life.

Instead of limiting yourself in hopes of other’s staying, trust that the wrong people will exit and the right ones will enter your life. The people who truly love you will stick by you, and the ones that only love a version of you that you no longer want to be will leave. It really is that simple.

People may leave. Let them go. With love.
{Click to Tweet}

6. Be a Queen and Surround Yourself with Other Queens

Something magical happened each time they put a crown on my head:

I was a Queen. I stood taller, my confidence grew and I felt an immense pride in the young woman I was becoming. And, suddenly, I was with a different group of women — other Queens. We weren’t competing because we each had a crown.

We traveled to parades, events, and other pageants together. We’d stay up late at night in our hotel rooms talking about our dreams and fears. We cheered each other on, called each other for support and enjoyed being together.

As an adult, you don’t need to win a pageant to be a queen. Each and every day, you get to choose to put a metaphorical (or real) crown on your head — to believe in ourselves, show up even when it’s hard, to doubt our own doubt and to NOT let anyone take us off of our throne.

If you’re looking for other fabulous ladies to surround yourself with, put on your crown and come join moi and the other bon vivants on the French Kiss Life World Tour.

You have a choice of who you surround yourself with. Choose other true Queens — the ones who’ll lift you up, tell you to get your butt out there on the stage of your life, who will have the courage to tell you when you’re holding yourself back, love you even when you fail, see your success as inspiration instead of competition and who just want to enjoy this magical experience of life with you.

Be a Queen and surround yourself with Queens.
{Click to Tweet}

7. Miss Congeniality Never Wins

In my experience on the pageant circuit, Miss Congeniality never won the crown. As an adult, I find this to be true in life.

I spent many years working hard to be the nice girl. It was not effortless. It was a full-time job that not only didn’t pay, it depleted my soul account.

I left my own path to go with the crowd. I worked hard to please others while letting myself down. I put my own desires on the back burner to not rock the boat.

I’d say “yes” to things I loathed to do and “no” to the things that I loved. I wanted people to like me SO bad. I wanted to be in the “in” crowd. If people liked me, then I could like myself, right? If people liked me, I could be a huge success, right?

Wrong!

It’s taken a lot of work for this Miss-Southern-please-every-one-nice-gal to get to a place where I operate from a place of being myself versus being who others want me to be.

I’ve learned that I can’t be a great mom if I’m trying to please my daughter. I can’t be an effective coach if I’m worried about my clients liking me. I can’t be my best self if my goal in life is to be liked by everyone.

You serve the world and yourself best when you stop trying to win Miss Congeniality and start being Miss You! That’s how you’ll win in your life.

If you own your own business, it’s almost certain that people will challenge, disagree and dislike what you’re doing. If you are trying to create health, there will probably be people (most likely family) that won’t like your new lifestyle. If you choose to go after a goal, there will be people in the peanut gallery offering you their opinion.

While I am all for kindness, I’m not for being nice to your own demise. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and others is be true to yourself and let others be who they are. Anything else is exhausting.

Miss Congeniality never wins. Focus on liking yourself, not others liking you.
{Click to Tweet}

8. Jealousy / Envy is Toxic

When I was called out as 2nd runner up that third year at the North Carolina Rhododendron Festival, I became engulfed with jealousy towards the winner. I told myself that she cheated. She didn’t deserve it. And she was a terrible person.

The first truth was I didn’t deserve it (or I would have won), and I was the one acting like the terrible person. The other truth was, that secretly, I envied her — her talent, charisma, and ability to shine. That feeling ate at me for a year while she traveled the state sharing her brilliance.

Harbored envy only hurts you. Learning from your jealousy can ignite you.

That girl gave me a huge gift. She showed me areas that I wanted to grow and improve upon. She highlighted parts of myself that I wanted to let go and the doubt I needed to overcome. Her success paved the way for my own.

The very next year, after obsessing about this girl and studying her every move, I took what she had taught me and won my very next crown.

It’s quite normal to experience envy. But don’t tear down another person in an attempt to feel better about yourself. It doesn’t work. And, it only hurts you.

Instead, look at what she is showing that you want in your own life. Then, investigate where you’re holding yourself back and then go out there and create it for yourself.

These days, I tend to be on the receiving end of jealousy.

Most recently, someone commented on a Facebook post, “Bitch, you need to eat.” As someone who has been 70 pounds heavier than I am today and loves to eat, I found this comment laughable. I have been to hell and back around my weight and food issues. I am finally in a place where I am at complete peace around this area.

Her comment said everything about her and nothing about me. Plus, I refuse to let someone else’s opinion or insecurity cause me to spiral into a place I worked so hard to overcome.

If you’re on the receiving end of jealousy: You must understand that it’s not about you. You’ve triggered a deep desire or need in another person, and for whatever reason, she doesn’t see it as possible for her. Extend her compassion. Love her from afar.

Jealousy & Envy is toxic. Stay in your light.
{Click to Tweet}

9. There is more than enough success to go around.

Unfortunately, pageants teach young women that one woman’s win is another’s loss. This mentality has created a female culture of constant comparison, competition, and cattiness.

Life, however, isn’t a contest. There aren’t judges (except the ones in our head). And one woman’s success doesn’t take away from yours.

Yet, when she thinks it does, things turn ugly. Here’s an example of how we women can go very wrong:

One of my clients was devastated when she discovered her best friend was talking about her behind her back.

“Okay Tonya, this sounds silly, like I am in high school — I don’t even want to say this aloud — but here goes: she said that I think I’m better than her.”

I had heard those words before.

“What do you make that mean about you?” I inquired

“That maybe I shouldn’t be so public about my success,” my client answered.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it makes her feel uncomfortable,” she said.

Note to every woman reading this article: A woman’s success doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. It’s the thoughts in that person’s mind that creates her feelings. Alternatively, if we choose to celebrate a woman’s success, seeing it as an example of what’s possible, you’ll most likely feel inspired and excited.

Don’t use a woman’s success to play the victim in your own life. She has taken nothing from you. She’s only showing you what’s possible.

If you want to see your life radically change, start celebrating other women’s success. Email her and tell them what you admire about her. Send her roses and tell her “Great job!” Celebrate her success with her and watch what happens in your own life. Life is truly like a boomerang. What you throw out comes back.

And, please don’t use your success as a reason to feel guilty. Instead, choose to feel proud of yourself. You’ve done the hard work. You’ve felt the uncomfortable feelings. You’ve overcome the doubt. You’ve shown up and taken the action.

There is more than enough success to go around. Let her success inspire your own.
{Click to Tweet}

10. Your essence is everything

Kim was on the pageant circuit with me.

And I was mesmerized by her.

She grew up in a poor household and couldn’t afford the fancy dresses that most of the pageant girls wore. In fact, we were a lot alike. My mom handmade all of my pageant clothes because, like Kim’s family, we didn’t have the funds to spend $300 on a dress.

Yet, Kim had something bigger going for her: a deep desire to win scholarship money, a beautiful mind due to her love of books, and a confidence that clothes couldn’t create.

When she walked onto the stage, it didn’t matter that she was wearing a dress that her mom had found at the thrift store or that she had to find sponsors to pay her entry fee.

Her essence took everyone by surprise, especially the judges.

She owned her space, spoke with confidence, held her head high and shared with us her greatest beauty — herself.

I remember the day she walked away with a huge crown.

Kim taught me a very important lesson:

Your essence is everything. Who you are being, is far more important than what you’re doing.
{Click to Tweet}

=======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION BELOW:
Which of these Pageant lessons is one that hardest for you to practice? How can you put it into practice this week? Which one do you feel like you have mastered?

The post 10 Life Lessons<br> From a Southern Belle Pageant Queen appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

A woman in our community recently confided in me at a French Kiss Life Tour event. She told me that she was new to the community but was intrigued by my work. However, she felt that she wasn’t elegant, nor did she have any desire to “become elegant”.

I asked her to say more.

“Well, I’m not in the upper echelons of society. I don’t have fancy clothes nor do I wear lipstick. I have a Southern accent and don’t know a lot about the arts.”

She continued to list various traits she had attributed to elegance.

I said to her,

“Honey, if that’s what elegance is, I don’t want that either…..
….well, except for the beautiful clothes and lipstick, of course!”

With such a hoity-toity definition of elegance, most women will run as far away as they can as we have been repressed for far too long.

Whenever I speak of the word elegance, I am talking about something much deeper than pearls and lipstick.

In fact, elegance has nothing at all to do with what you wear or how much money you have.

Elegance is a state of mind.

A new understanding of Elegance

In today’s English language, so many words are turned around, twisted, manipulated, and made to fit just about whatever you’re wanting it to mean.

It’s no different with the word “elegance.”For the various definitions I’ve seen for Elegance, there seem to be two distinct definitions:

Piss Elegance = displaying a contrived, often pretentious, sophistication, opulence; a debutante or a display of high society and exclusivity.

True Elegance = comes from the Latin elegantia, “taste, propriety, or refinement.” A refined quality of gracefulness and good taste. A quality of neatness and ingenious simplicity in the solution of a problem (especially in science or mathematics)

And, for the record, whenever I speak of elegance, I’m referring to the latter. I don’t translate it like many women do today, which is often visions of women walking snootily along the upper East Side of NYC.

For me, elegance means

• being selective and aiming for quality….not loads of crap.
• knowing what you value and building your life around it.
• thinking on purpose….not what you’ve been told to believe.
• surrounding yourself with beauty.
• letting go of anything that does not support you.

And, I deeply believe it’s something that most women want, but unfortunately, misunderstand.

As Diana Vreeland said: “Elegance is a refusal.” Cheers to that, Diana!

My elegant Ma who lived in a little trailer

My grandmother, Elverta (we all called her Ma), was the most elegant woman I’ve ever known.

She knew her values — family and faith — and built her world around it.

She was full of grace, grit, and gratitude.

And, she took amazing care of herself — eating fresh foods from her garden and taking walks around the little path on the perimeter of her yard.

She kept her home neat and simple — only filled with precious mementos and the few things she needed to live well each day.

She lived in a little single wide trailer with a flower garden full of daisies and carnations outside her door.

She didn’t hurry through her own life but counted her blessings every day.

She didn’t fight what was being thrown at her but accepted life and always reminded me: “Sweetie, this too shall pass.” And she’s right. It always passes – the high and the lows.

Living with fierce faith and beautiful acceptance…

This is elegance at its best.

When elegance becomes more about the outside than the inside

Who wants to be told what to wear? Who wants to become someone that doesn’t feel true to them? Who wants to be someone just to impress others?

But, I’ve tried these approaches, and let me tell you:

It was NOT elegant.

There was that one time at my first country club party.

Attending a party at a country club party had been on my “dream” list for years.

Here’s what happened:

I walked in the door thinking, “I don’t belong here.” And, when a woman doesn’t feel like she belongs, she spends the night trying to prove to everywhere that she does. (Note to you, the reader: This never turns out well.)

When a very prestigious couple approached me, I couldn’t pretend any longer.

Not feeling adequate, and therefore not knowing what to say, I quickly excused myself to go to the ladies room.

And in my quick escape…

I ran straight into the server carrying a tray of meatballs.

A Tray of meatballs drenched in copious amounts of marinara sauce.

Oh, and did I mention that I was wearing white?

You can let your imagination fill in the blanks.

I’ve since learned that true elegance is NOT about impressing others.

Elegance is a state of mind.

So, to clear the record, elegance is NOT about the clothes you wear, where you live, nor the number in your bank account… although these areas can become very elegant in your life.

Let’s be specific and look at how true elegance can look in our everyday lives in these areas.

Imagine if you were to …

… deliberately choose your thoughts instead of continuing to believe what you’ve been told is true.

… learn to feel your feelings, not escape or bury them through overeating, overshopping, overworking or over social mediaing (is that a word?)

… surround yourself with only those things you love or make your life easier.

… cultivate your confidence by stepping into the mystery of life not running from it.

… stop waiting for one day and completely abandon the idea of living with an internal battle of wanting one thing and doing another.

… treat people with kindness while also defining your own personal boundaries.

… dress each morning with intention instead of choosing the same ole’ outfit.

… slow down long enough to taste your square of chocolate.

… want what you already have instead of focusing on all that you don’t 24-7.

… stop waiting to be ready and instead play your way to success.

… have 3 clear top priorities at any point in life that you’re working towards (not 20)

… schedule only what’s important to you.

… create a calendar that reflects your desires and showing up for yourself.

… treating your body and mind like an incredible work of art (because it is)

… have clear values by which you live your life.

… eliminated the noise that distracts you from your own life.

… not obsess over what you think you’re missing but celebrate what’s right in front of you.

… read books that ignite a sense of passion and romance instead of making you feel broken.

… not look for others approval but approve of yourself.

… let people be who they are instead of trying to make them into who you want them to be.

…shine unapologetically knowing that it doesn’t dull anyone else’s sparkle.

… look for the beauty and possibility of each moment.

These are true examples of elegance in the everyday.

I have just released a free course where I’ll personally show you HOW to cultivate elegance in the everyday. We will dive into the 3 truths that all Elegant Women have in common, and you will learn specifically how to apply them into your life.

Click here to tell me where to send it, and I will immediately give you access to my videos.

Now the list of ideas above, it may seem like a lot.

But do remember that Elegance is a PRACTICE.

Which leads me to the next point.

Elegance is full of grace & grit.

My elegant grandmother approached each day with grace and grit. She was perfectly imperfect. And she was so elegant.

A lot of women have convinced themselves that to be elegant they must be perfect.

Lie, lie, lie!

Perfectionism is for the fearful — those fearful of what others will think, not being good enough and failing.

Grace is the loving forgiveness we must extend ourselves when we scream at the kids, eat an extra cookie or any action that doesn’t align with what we deeply want. To me, grace is all about holding my own hand when my mind tells me I should scold myself instead.

Grit is the courage and strength to navigate our lives based on what we value and desire. It’s about feeling the discomfort that will occur when you start to live your life on purpose. It’s about facing your fear, not running from it.

Elegance is the essence of French Kissing Life.

It’s how I aim to live, and some days I do better than others.

And when I notice that I’ve fallen off the beam, I simply get back on.

No guilt.

No shame.

Just grace and grit.

Want to join me in adding a little elegance into your everyday?

Be sure to register for my free course, and I will personally coach you.

Note: This course is only available to readers for a limited time.

========

After you have registered for my free course.

Please tell me in the comments :

What would your life look and feel like if you were to embrace elegance as a way of life?

The post Elegance: Beyond Pearls & Lipstick appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

Hi Friends! Today, I’m bringing back a “Dear Tonya” podcast where I’m answering listener’s questions based on last weeks post on The #1 Killer of Charm.

For the full episode, make sure to listen to the podcast. However, if you want a quick summary, check out the notes down below.

QUESTION: Hey Tonya! I loved your last podcast about charm. What advice can you give to someone like myself who is shy and introverted? It’s so difficult to feel charming when I’m afraid of putting myself out there.  ~ Jill

ANSWER: Great question! First of all, let’s differentiate between shy and being introverted. Two very different types. While they often show the same behaviors — spending time alone, limiting time in big crowds, etc. — but the thoughts driving these behaviors are very different for each. An introvert becomes drained after spending time with others, and therefore, enjoys time spent alone. A shy person wants to spend time with others but is afraid of social disapproval and judgment.

It’s important that you understand if you’re actually shy or introverted. Perhaps, you’re a bit of both. So, how do you know? Just look at your thoughts driving your alone time. Let’s think about a party. An introvert needs to step outside, not because they are afraid of judgment, but because they are so drained from the social interaction. It’s a form of self-care. It comes from a place of love. For the shy person, she steps outside because she’s afraid of rejection, so she escapes the crowd out of fear.

As for charm, it’s a huge misconception to think that only extroverted people are charming. This is NOT true. In fact, introverted people often have incredible social skills. They tend to be great listeners who enjoy deep conversation. Just like extroverts, they can be in large crowds and socialize effectively. The difference is that they get drained quickly.

However, for the shy person, it’s important to address the fear driving the behaviors so that you can show up as the best version of yourself in social situations. It’s also important to craft a new self-image that supports the woman you desire to be in social situations and in life. Because, inevitably, we become the image we hold for ourselves.

QUESTION: Your last podcast about the #1 Killer of Charm really hit home. I am notorious for wanting to be liked and ignoring my own needs. For example, I have a wedding of a family member coming up in the next few months. I feel like I have to go, but I don’t want to because I’ve gained so much weight. I’m embarrassed and humiliated at how big I’ve become since they saw me last. Plus, I’m tired of doing what I think I “should” do. What do you think? Should I stay or go, Tonya?
~ Stephanie

ANSWER: Okay, girlfriend, let’s dissect this question. We have 2 very different things going on here. There’s the part of not wanting to go out of embarrassment of your weight gain. Then, we have the part of thinking you “should” go. You need to clean up y0ur thinking so that you’re making a decision from a clean state, not out of fear.

It’s important to understand that your humiliation and embarrassment has nothing to do with how much weight you’ve gained. It’s created from the story in your mind. Also, if you fear their judgment, I want you to ask yourself, “So what if they talk about how much weight you’ve gained?” What if you became the kind of woman who wasn’t afraid of others judging you? Imagine all that you’d do and become.

When I’m feeling torn about decisions, I pretend that I’ll be insanely happy and successful with both options and then I decide. The most important thing is that I like my reason.

So, should you stay or go? Ask yourself this: “If I was at my ideal weight, would I want to go?” What does your heart say? That is your answer.

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your podcast. I often listen to an episode more than once to let it sink in. Your last one about the #1 Killer of Charm was incredible. I really want to become a woman who doesn’t concern herself with being liked. But, I keep wondering if it’s unhealthy to not care about what others think. What are your thoughts? ~ Alaina

ANSWER: This is such a great question because we often think that if we don’t care what others think, we’ll stop being kind and caring people. I have found the opposite to be true. The less I care about what others think, the more kind and caring I am.

Let’s look at why: when we care about what others are thinking, we often become manipulative trying to change other’s behaviors and perceptions in order to feel better. That’s not caring; that’s deceitful. Right?

However, when we focus on what we can manage — what WE think — we can allow others to be who they are and not need them to behave a certain way in order for us to feel good.

Isn’t that the most loving way to be? Deciding on purpose who YOU want to be and allowing others to be who they need to be.

QUESTION: I’m craving friendship, but I have this belief that people don’t want me around, so I don’t put myself out there. It’s terrifying. How can I get over this?
~ Sandy

ANSWER: Of course it’s terrifying when you believe that no one wants you around. However, I hope that you can see that this is just a thought, and probably one that you’ve thought for a long time, so it really seems true.

But, notice when you think, “No one wants me around,” how you feel. Probably anxious, fear, terrified. And, when you feel those types of emotions, how do you show up with others? You probably avoid it like the plague, right? So then you prove to yourself that no one wants you around because you don’t allow yourself to be around people.’

I want YOU to see that you’re the one creating it all because that’s how you can change it.

To get over it, you must see your pattern and begin to peel back all the layers that have created this BS story that you have about yourself.

The deeper question here is: Do you want to be around you? That’s where your work begins, because how can we expect others to want to be around us when we don’t even want to be around ourselves. When you start wanting you, you’ll stop needing the world to, and that’s when crazily enough: you can’t keep people away. They become magnetized to your presence.

QUESTION: How does a woman make herself more attractive? I am in the dating world, and I want to feel that I’m doing everything I can to attract my ideal guy. Thanks for your thoughts and advice. ~ Charmaine

ANSWER: The answer is simple: be attracted to yourself. Think attractive thoughts. Dress to impress yourself. Decide that you’re going to live in a beautiful state no matter what. Be more playful in conversations with others. Fully appreciate this moment and everyone who’s in it. Be the kind of woman you’d want to date. And, then let go and enjoy the people you meet trusting that your ideal partner will come along, and when he does, he’ll just be the cherry on top of your already amazing life.

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: Do you have any Qs about charm?  Drop them in the comments below and I may feature in an upcoming “Dear Tonya” episode or FB Live.

The post Dear Tonya: On Shyness, <br>Embarrassed about Weight, <br>and How to Be More Attractive appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

I don’t know exactly how nor when I became a socially awkward person.

But the day I tried to make small talk with a math teacher at a cocktail party asking,

“Hey, what’s 2 + 2 ?”

Well, that was the day I knew I had a problem.

#truestory

My first step to addressing my issue was to enroll in an etiquette class.

Etiquette must be the answer!

(Or at least that’s what I told myself. )

And this wasn’t just any old Etiquette class.

It was an “Etiquette class for LEADERS”

Woo-hoo!
A Leader!
That’s Me!

Next thing I knew, I was having a color analysis and practicing proper handshakes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, these are great things to know but they didn’t solve my deeper issue: how to recover from being a social weirdo.

But, at least I was wearing the right colors and had a firm grip.

#weirdogoals

I was so tired of the sweaty palms, the struggling to find words, the feeling out being out of place and shrinking into the background of life.

I wanted to meet interesting people.

I wanted to have more fun.

I wanted to have interesting conversations.

And *really* I wanted to be the kind of woman that guests were dying to meet at the party.

Scratch that.

At that moment in time, I’d have been happy with being the kind of woman that doesn’t run and hide in the bathroom at events.

I am happy to report that my social confidence and personal standards have improved since that day.

And, while I’ve experienced many of the benefits since improving my social skills, such as . . .

• Better relationships
• More opportunities
• Influential connections
• Better career
• More money

. . . the most surprising benefits had nothing to do with outward rewards.

Huh?

You see, at the end of the day, we spend the majority of our time with ourselves.

And the most important relationship is the one with ourselves.

What does this have to do with charm?

A journey to charm is a journey into yourself.

Your relationship with others is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

When you love yourself, you naturally love others.
When you care for yourself, you care for others.
When you respect yourself, you respect others.
When you appreciate yourself, you appreciate others.

I think you see where I’m going with this.

See, when I set out to improve my social skills, I had no idea how I’d need to look within myself.

To become a charming woman, you must drop a lot of the nasty habits that are destroying your relationship with YOU!

Whether you choose to believe it or not, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have in your life.

If you are a non- believer in that statement above, oh, this post was written just for you!

Go here to check out my newest French Kiss Life course, so you, too, can become a truly charming woman (important: enrollment is only open for a very limited time).

Here are six surprising reasons why EVERY woman should learning the Art of Charm:

#1 — You learn to really like yourself

I’ve often thought that perhaps the journey we’re all on is the journey back to ourselves, to our natural state of being which isn’t self-loathing but self-adoration.

To be charming, you must stop trying to be liked and learn to like yourself.

It’s a decision and a daily practice.

When I started to like myself, I was surprised at how my social skills improved dramatically. There was an ease to being around others because I was at ease with myself.

#2 — You Stop Outsourcing Your Emotional Life

When you think about why you want to be liked, ask yourself why?

It’s always a feeling you’re after and no one can create your feelings except for you.

Yet, so many people walk into a room wanting others to behave a certain way to make them feel better. We seek words of approval, glances of admiration and acts of affection.

And, do you know the craziest part of all of this?  We are outsourcing our emotional life to people who can’t even manage their own.  We want people to like us who probably don’t even like themselves.

The charming person doesn’t outsource her emotional life to others, because she knows her emotions are her job.

She takes 100% responsibility for how she feels — no blaming, finger pointing or victimhood.

She takes command of her presence and decides how she’s going to feel around others.

The charming lady = a powerful one.

#3 — You have more fun

When you like who you are and take responsibility for your experience, you discover that there’s SO much fun to be had in any room you enter.

You begin to see the humor in the humans.

You start to show up as your genuine self, which is always more fun than portraying some version of you.

You stop thinking that the whole world is thinking about you, and you relax.

You begin to delight in your own company, and as a result, others begin to delight in your company as well.

You know that the party lives within you and start to bring the festivities to every room you enter.

#4 — You stop being easily offended

I have a family member (who will remain anonymous) who is always pissed about something. She loves being offended.

She interprets life through her very negative filter.

If someone rolls their eyes, she takes it personally.

If someone doesn’t speak in the right tone, she becomes hurt.

If someone doesn’t agree with her, she’s angry.

If someone has to change an appointment, she is nasty about it.

If someone is late, she rants for days about how disrespectful they are.

If someone doesn’t respond to her emails right away, she’s irate.

Her negative energy pushes people away.

If you knew her, you’d understand why.  She has no grace for herself, so she has very little to offer others.

Yet, charm is all about drawing people towards you, not repulsing them.

For this reason, you must stop looking for reasons to be hurt and angry.

You must decide that you’re going to be a lady who is so full of joy that it takes a miracle straight from the heavens to offend you, and even then, it’s probably not likely.

#5 — You genuinely love people

For years, I tried to avoid people.

They were dangerous. They couldn’t be trusted. And, they were scary.

All of this was based on my past and the thoughts I had in my head about others.

To be charming required that I learn to love myself so much that loving other people became super easy.

Yes, loving others is a choice, and it’s one I highly recommend if you want to be charming.

Plus, love just always feels better.

And, yes, there are some that I choose to love from afar.

But, choose love for you!

#6 — You become more confident

I’m convinced that it’s not the most attractive or talented person that does incredible things in life. It’s the most confident.

You must gather up the courage to walk into rooms and own your space.

You must stop shrinking out of fear.

You must show up and give life your very best.

You must keep trying until you create the result you want.

You must hold yourself with confidence.

What does this have to do with charm?

Because we admire confident people, and the definition of charm is to arouse admiration.

Therefore, charm = confidence.

Imagine walking into every room overflowing with love for yourself and others, self-confidence, self-respect, and magnetic energy.

This is what it’s like to live as a charming person.

And, for no other reason than the relationship you start to have with yourself, learning how to charm the room is one of the most amazing adventures you’ll ever go on.

Go here to check out my newest French Kiss Life course, so you, too, can Charm the Room (enrollment is only open for a very limited time).

The post 6 Surprising Reasons Every Woman <br>Should Learn The Art of Charm appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

I’d like you to meet Kate.

Her desire:

To lose 20 pounds.

She had discovered the world of “self-help” four years ago.

And she was obsessed ever since.

When Kate came to me, she had worked with eight coaches prior.

She confided in me that in her desperate “seeking” over the previous 1460 days, she never lost the weight.

In fact, she actually gained 10 additional pounds.

Why?

Kate had fallen prey to self-help binging.

And you know what?

She’s not alone.

What at first can offer so much possibility – buying programs, hiring mentors and filling up your Kindle with the latest self-help books – can quickly turn into overconsumption with zero action.

Self-help doesn’t help . . . you unless you help you.

I was having a discussion the other night with a friend.

She admitted to buying 5 programs in a month.

None of which she ever completed.

She asked me:

“Do you think self-help can do more harm than good?”

My calm response:

“Only if you consume it and never create something from it.”

Yes, self-help is amazing when you apply it to your life.

I’ve seen a lot of women “pretend” to do the work by simply reading one more book, signing up for one more program and taking one more workshop.

There’s a thrill in the quest, but that thrill is often followed by disappointment with a pattern that keeps you trapped as a self-help consumer instead of a creator.

It’s like stuffing your fridge with delicious ingredients and never cooking a meal. Everything gets rotten and smelly. And then you have to throw everything out into the trash and start over.

Constant consumption is easy; the real work is hard – and so, SO rewarding.

Said another way. . .

Consuming more information is not the work.

The work is taking what you’re learning and applying it to your life.

I’m not a fan of the term “self-help.”

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because it seems to confirm one of the main issues I see, which is seeing yourself as broken and needing a fix.

You’re not broken and you don’t need fixin’

(as we say in the South).

I prefer personal growth or development.

And, it’s a world I truly love.

I love the idea that we can grow and evolve beyond who we are today, and we can do it from a place of joy and love, not fear and scarcity.

I’m always seeking out personal development mentors.

When it comes to the personal development world, I am convinced that I would NOT be where I am today without the amazing teachers and mentors who helped me see what’s possible and taught me how to be a better version of myself.

You don’t know what you don’t know. When I think about the young girl living in the trailer, I didn’t know that certain things were possible, but through books and teachers, my world started to expand.

Because, I want to keep evolving and growing, I value personal development and its ability to show me the next possibility that I don’t know where I am.

I take at least 4 programs per year.

And, I just paid 25K for my next mentor. Yep, that’s a big chunk of change, but I believe in myself enough to do the work. And, doing the work = results.

I enjoy investing in inspiration, coaching, and other personal development programs, but the investment only produces an ROI if I put in the work.

I don’t expect my coaches and mentors to do the work for me. I value their feedback, but my success is my job.

And, as a woman who has evolved so many times and is completely unrecognizable to the woman I was over a decade ago, I know when I invest in my personal growth . . .

It’s going to be uncomfortable.

It’s going to challenge and push me.

I’ll have to make hard decisions.

I’ll have to evolve beyond the woman I am today (which often feels like a death because you’re letting your old self-die).

I’ll have to say “no” more.

I’ll risk failure and rejection.

I’ll have to overcome my doubt.

I’ll have to let go of habits that no longer serve me.

I’ll have to DO the work.

I’ll have to create.

From over a decade of creating, I know that this is what you sign up for when you decide to live a bold, passionate life.

I’ve heard so many women say, “That book didn’t help me,” or “that program didn’t work.”

It’s time to get honest with yourself:

Did you help yourself?

Did you work the program?

Magical things happen when you take what you’re learning and CREATE something from it.

Here are a few examples from my life:

I had a deep desire to become someone who wrote about wine, even though I didn’t know the first thing about wine!

So I got educated. When I finished sommelier school, I immediately started pitching myself as a wine expert to get writing gigs and consulting jobs. Keep in mind that my mind was telling me I wasn’t ready but I knew that the only way to learn more was to create something.

I had a deep desire to leave my nursing career and become a life coach.

My first step was to get certified. While I was in my coach certification program, I hired a website designer and started my blog. Before I finished, I had paying clients. Was I the best coach back then? No! But through creating something, I have developed my skills and consider myself one of the top coaches in my space.

I hired a COO.

As an entrepreneur, every business book and program I had ever taken said, “You can’t do it alone.” Yet, my mind tried to convince me that I was different and special. Yes, my mind was scared of the investment of bringing on someone that would cost me more than I made as a nurse. Yet, I knew that I had to trust my mentors and go all in. I hired her, and it was the best decision for myself and the company. We 10x our revenue for that year.

I had a deep desire to lose weight.

Then, there was my weight problem. When I was over 70 pounds heavier, I loved to consume diet information. But reading Skinny Bitch does not make one Skinny. In fact, my obsession with consumption and not creation only supplied more evidence that I’d always struggle. When I committed to making peace with food and my body and started taking action, I lost the weight and have kept it off for years.

I had a deep desire to take women on International retreats.

Long before I heard of life coaches hosting international retreats, it was a dream of mine. I had no formula or step-by-step on how to do it. I didn’t even know I could hire an event planner. But, I set the date, advertised and filled up the program where one of our destinations was Monaco. I planned the whole thing myself. Was it the most spectacular retreat ever? Lord, no! In fact, compared to the caliber of my retreats that I host today, it was very amateur. But, I created an international retreat.

I did the work.

I created something from my consumption.

The 3 rules I follow to turn personal development into personal freedom

I bet you and me are a lot alike.

We love learning, growing and evolving.

And, I don’t want you to get me wrong.

It’s important that we learn new things because we don’t know what we don’t know. Right?

Yet, we must be mindful of our intentions and honest with our results.

Here are a few rules I use in my own life that really help me turn all that I’m learning into my own creation,

#1. I commit to following through on every program I invest in.

By following through, I mean scheduling classes and calls into my calendar (just like a college class) and doing the homework.

I do not allow myself to buy program after program, just like I no longer allow myself to binge eat.

I know that the thrill of investing only to be followed by the disappointment of not showing up for myself.

When I think about all the things I want to feel about myself, disappointment is not one of them.

#2. I only allow a small and selective crew into my head at any given time.

We can start consuming so much information from so many people that our mind starts to sound like a self-help choir.

For this reason, I carefully consider who I let into my mind space. My personal development crew is a lot like my close friend circle: small and mighty. I decide who these people will be based on the next evolution of myself and my goals. This approach allows me to dig deep into their wisdom and really create momentum versus jumping from one “expert” to another only touching the surface of their brilliance (and often leaving me “confused”).

#3. I diversify my consumption

While I love Tony Robbins, if that’s all I ever consumed, I’d probably go batshit crazy.

Equally, the same could be said about me, Suze Orman or anyone.

When it comes to who I focus on, I often switch up industries.

Some seasons, it’s about health/wellness.

Other seasons are all about style or finances.

Without spilling the beans I just enrolled in a college program that I am SO excited for that has nothing to do with my current industry and yet, it will complement my work at French Kiss Life immensely.

As women, our soul needs the diversity to keep us inspired and French Kissing Life.

If you’ve been binging in the personal development world for a long time and aren’t seeing any results, it tells me one thing:

You’re consuming, not creating.

Here’s what the BIG LIE of “doing the work” looks like:

• Reading a book is not the work.
• Watching a video is not the work.
• Listening to a call is not the work.
• Listening to podcasts is not the work
• Reading this post is not the work.
• Perusing Facebook for hours is not the work.
• Joining the gym is not the work
• Paying for a program is not the work

Here’s what the work REALLY looks like:

• Refusing to eat the second cookie after a hard day and feeling immense discomfort.
• Handing out your resume to ten companies even though you’re feeling doubt.
• Booking the ticket even though your mind is telling you that you shouldn’t take time away from your family.
• Getting up an hour earlier to work on your business even when you’re tempted to hit the snooze button.
• Showing up for your yoga class even though you’d rather go home and binge on Big Little Lies.
• Wearing that gorgeous dress that’s been hanging in your closet to an upcoming event even though you feel terrified of what people will think.
• Leaving a relationship that has an expiration date.
• Being honest with yourself with how you gained the weight and committing to addressing the real issues.
• Actually forgiving after reading the chapter on forgiveness and understanding it “intellectually.”
• And, the moment you finish reading this post, taking a small action towards something you desire.

Want to self-help yourself? Create something from what you’re learning.

Information, in general, can be the catalyst to miracles when you take what you’re learning and apply it to your life.

In a nutshell, taking action towards what you say you want and feeling every ounce of discomfort that comes with living your dreams is the work of the creative process.

My clients get results because we have this frank discussion. I dish out some “T.L. Tough Love” (Tonya Leigh Tough Love) and help them see that I’m not their miracle nor are my programs.

The miracle is within them and my programs and myself are simply their guides and support to keep them moving in the direction of their dreams.

Here are some things my clients have created:

• More confidence
• A published book
• Forgiveness of family members
• A size 6 body
• A new home
• Better relationships
• More travel
• A successful business
• Finishing their degree
• New life after divorce

Basically, my clients are creating new futures by doing the work.

As for Kate…

She lost the weight and went on to work with me for another year to help her find the man of her dreams.

That was three years ago and she is now married with an 18-month little girl.

She stopped consuming and started creating.

She did the hard work of . . .

. . . refusing to stuff down her feelings.

. . . going on a walk when her brain was telling her to wait until tomorrow.

. . . getting out of the house and going to events.

. . . having a few bad dates in order to have her dream one.

. . . dressing up every day even though her mind was telling her how “silly” it was.

Are you ready for more inspiration?

Stay tuned because…

I am about to release some very unique blog posts/podcasts that are a series of interviews with some fabulous women in our community (just like you) who have created amazing results in their lives by committing to the practice and creating their lives on purpose.

Their stories will inspire you to continue to create, especially on days when you don’t feel like it.

So, if you are not yet a French Kiss Life subscriber (GO HERE TO SUBSCRIBE) so you can be notified when each interview goes live

======

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: Let’s cultivate a flurry of creation! What’s one thing you commit to creating this week?

The post Does Self-Help Do More Harm Than Good? <br>(Only if you fail to do this) appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

As you start to kick it into high gear to pursue your next BIG dream or goal, it’s super important that you understand what your dream is going to require of you.

And what you think you’re going to need in order to make it happen, well…

It’s NOT what you think.

In fact, I am going to share with you some of the struggles in the steps that I have taken to making my dream come true.

To be honest, it’s quite humbling for me to reveal myself to you in this way.

Especially when a BIG dream is in process

(it always feels much “safer” to show the before and after….not the “in between”, right?)

Yet, it’s also fascinating to really see who it’s required me to become.

That’s the real beauty of pursuing a dream

And it’s #1 thing that my dream has asked of me.

The best part of creating a dream is not the end goal.

Surprisingly, the best part …. It’s who you must become in the process.

Let’s dive into a very recent example in my life.

This past year, my team and I have been working hard behind the scenes doing a complete rebrand of my company, French Kiss Life.

Creating this new image of FKL is a key stepping stone in order to create my next goal.

You see, my next BIG dream is for French Kiss Life to touch the lives of 1 million women in 5 years. 

And, here is the Brand Spankin’ New brand video that I am so excited to reveal to you today.

(And, this is just a taste of what’s around the corner)

Our new FKL brand video represents the core mission of French Kiss Life — living artfully and well — and it could not have been created without you.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

In bringing my BIG dream to life, there are two key things that fire me up:

1. I am so excited about the thousands of women whose lives will be changed by the work we’re doing in the world.

2. However, I am MOST excited about who it’s requiring me to become.

And in this post, I am going to dive deep into the latter.

I want YOU to get fired up about who you need to become in order to create your dream.

Because if you don’t become someone new, your dream will never come to fruition.

#sorrynotsorry

Let’s start by examining some of the biggest culprits of dream crushing….

Justifying all the reasons “Why It Can’t Possibly be Created”

Five years ago, my client came to me with a big dream.

She wanted to move to Paris, France.

On our very first call, I told her:  “That’s easy.”

Her mind went crazy:  “No, it’s not,” she replied.

And, she went on to give me all the excuses as to why it was so hard.

I don’t have enough money.
I’m not sure if I’ll like living there.
What if it doesn’t work out?
My family will think I’m nuts.
I don’t know how to speak French.

I get it.

It’s familiar. It’s safe. It’s known.

But, do you know what else it is?

Boring. Disappointing. Full of regret.

Yuck.

I let my client dump all her reasons on me.  I knew what was happening.  She was trying to talk herself out of her own dream.

See, our reasons as to why our dream cannot possibly come true can seem very rational, and clear, and justified.

But they are actually lies.

Justifying to stay right where you are is a dream crusher. #truth

Then, I continued,

“Moving to Paris is easy. People do it all the time.”

“The hardest part is actually becoming the woman who moves to Paris.”

Going after your dreams is going to be uncomfortable.  But the woman who moves to Paris, even though it seems impossible, she is willing to feel the discomfort of creating her dreams.  This is the most amazing part of what happens when your dreams become reality.

The BEST part of creating a dream is actually this:
Who you become in the process.

Our dreams ask us to evolve into the type of woman who can create them.

We can’t keep engaging in the same thoughts and actions and expect our dreams to come true.

Pas possible!

In working with women to help them make their dreams come true, I have identified a pattern of being that will keep you right where you are…every time!

And, it has nothing to do with your circumstances.

If that were the case, Oprah would not be Oprah.  We also wouldn’t have Jay-Z and Sarah Jessica Parker. And, there would be no French Kiss Life.  All of us started from very humble beginnings.

Creating your dreams requires that you break addictions to certain states of being.

Every dream I have, has asked that I evolve as a woman.

And, I want to be very clear:

I’m not evolving because I think where I am isn’t amazing. Because it absolutely is.

I want to constantly be in a state of “becoming.”

I want to evolve and create because that’s part of what it means to mean to live artfully and well . . . to French Kiss Life!

During this behind the scenes rebranding process of my company + mission + movement, I’ve noticed certain states popping up for myself. The same ones that I recognize in my clients.

What you need to give up in order to remove the dream killers that reside in your mind.

Over the last several months, every time one of these thoughts reared its ugly head, I’ve switched my mindset and instead perceived it as a glorious invitation to become a more courageous and wiser version of myself.

I want to extend you the same invitation.

When it comes to your dreams, here are some 3 things you’ll have to give up:

FIRST THING YOU NEED TO GIVE UP = Confusion

How many of you claim to be confused about your dreams?

Raise your hand if you can relate.

This was my favorite way to hide from my dreams.

As it relates to this FKL rebrand process, I have found myself making it so complicated in my head.

How could I combine my love of style and personal development together?

Who do I want to reach specifically with this work?

Did I really want to give up my name and create something way bigger than me?

I was waiting for a confused mind to offer me clarity.

Turns out, it doesn’t work that way.

You must decide and keep moving.

Confusion is an excuse to hide and slow progress towards your dream.

I finally had to call myself out on my own B.S.

I know my message:

It’s where self-development meets style. It’s about living passionately, artfully and well. It’s about living with grace, grit, and gumption.  And, for the love of God, it’s how I seek to live my life every day.

See, I was NOT confused.

But I was really good at pretending I was.

Now, from this rebranding process, I never say I’m confused…ever!

I don’t let my clients spin in confusion either. Because I know that this is just the minds tricky way of keeping you where you are. As long as you don’t know, you get to stay right where you are.

Just like my client, Rachel, who told me she was confused about what to eat. Her dream was to lose 20 pounds and keep it off. I assured her that she was not confused. I challenged her to verbalize what foods feel good in her body and what she needs to eat in order to lose weight. She recited a perfect meal plan that inevitably led to her weight loss of twenty-two pounds.

See, she was never confused.

She was just afraid of doing the hard work.

Guess what?

You’re not confused either.

Sure, you may not have all the answers on the “how” because no one does.

Deep down, you know what you want.
Be brave enough to state it … out loud.
{Tweet this}

SECOND THING YOU NEED TO GIVE UP = DOUBT

Okay, let me be clear: doubt doesn’t kill your dreams.

But, listening and believing your doubt does.

Here’s the thing:

The bigger your dreams, the bigger your doubt.

So expect it.

And if doubt is not there sister, I am sure that you’re not dreaming big enough

(and BIG is whatever that looks like for you)

Every day I’m filled with doubt because I am creating things that don’t yet exist.

I want to tell you that during this long and arduous FKL rebrand process, I have had many doubts arise:

Will women love it?

Am I making a mistake going to Frenchkisslife.com versus TonyaLeigh.com?

Did we choose the right designer and developer and branding expert and……?

Is this investment worth it?

When you are pursuing a dream, your mind will pull out all the punches to keep you scared and stuck, because the mind is lazy.

Your mind does not want to work so hard to change, so doubt will be present for any dream you have.

A Quick Tutorial on How to Conquer Doubt:

When it comes to doubt, you have two options.

Option #1: Listen to your doubt

When you do this, you really believe it when your mind says:

That’s not possible.
You’ve never been able to do it before.
Who are YOU to do something like that?
You’re being ridiculous.
You’re going to fail.
Why bother?

And, when you entertain these thoughts, guess what happens?

Absolutely nothing except living a life of regrets and “what-ifs.”

But, there’s another option:

Option #2: Doubt your doubt

Just this morning, I woke up full of doubt. Here’s what happened:

I had a conversation with a potential CFO for my company. This is an area that I know I need help with. I know that having this person will alleviate so many unknowns and unnecessary stress. I know this person is essential in helping me realize my dream of having French Kiss Life touch the lives of one million women.

My mind was going absolutely nuts this morning.

But, I’ve been in this rodeo with my doubt for a long time. And, I can either get on the bull and ride my heart out. Or I can run and sit on the sidelines and watch others make their dreams come true.

This is where confidence comes in.

I had to dig deep into who I really am.

And, I choose to believe that I a resourceful and smart woman who is on a mission to create a movement of women who are committed to living artfully and well in their lives.

How can I expect YOU to do scary things if I’m hiding out in my house afraid to hire a CFO?

So, I began to counter every doubt I had.

*It’s too much money.*

And…… Money is abundant. If I believe in my vision and want it to grow, I must be willing to bet on myself.

*You’re going to go broke.*

And….. I may become the richest woman on the planet (and wealth comes in many forms).

*You’ve been doing okay alone.*

And….. I’m ready to do better than okay. Imagine what I could create with an amazing team of people.

*You need to put that money away for Sarah.*

And….. I need to be an example to Sarah of what’s possible.

*Why don’t you just settle for where you are. It’s not so bad.*

And….. Where I am is amazing and I’m excited to create more. My 90-year old self says loudly “Go for it, darling!”

So, when you think about your dream, what doubts do you have?

Doubt is not a sign to quit.
It’s a sign to evolve into the kind of woman
who doesn’t let doubt stop her.
{Tweet this}

THIRD THING YOU NEED TO GIVE UP = OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS

When it comes to your dreams, everyone will have an opinion.

Your mother will think you’re crazy.

Your co-workers will think you’re being “too much.”

Your friends will be upset that you no longer want to drink.

Your adult kids will throw out the guilt trip card when you create boundaries to support your dream.

People will laugh at you.

People will leave negative reviews.

This is one of the biggest obstacles I see when it comes to making dreams come true.

Dreams require that you care more about your opinion than what others think.

I wish I could tell you that everyone is going to support you and cheer you on, but I’d be lying.

Just like with doubt, the bigger your dream, the bigger other’s judgments of you will be (at least that’s been my experience.)

But, here’s what I want you to consider:

Those people don’t have to live your life.

So, why do you give them so much of your attention?

Yeah, I know.

It’s easier said than done, but it’s doable.

As a former people pleaser who was terrified of people thinking badly of me, I’ve had to practice this way of being until it’s become who I am.

And, while it’s very uncomfortable, I wouldn’t trade the life I’ve created for anything. And, this life required that I give up obsessing about other people’s opinions.

As I have been navigating this rebranding process, I have also faced other people’s opinions, especially when I told them I’ve decided to drop the brand name of Tonya Leigh and have the company fall under French Kiss Life.  Including changing the actual website from TonyaLeigh.com to FrenchKissLife.com

Some people thought I was crazy.

Why don’t you brand your name?
Are you hiding?
Everyone is switching to a personal brand.
Don’t you think you’re making a mistake?

Then, there are some who are completely turned off with the name “French Kiss Life.”

That’s so inappropriate.
That’s not very elegant.
I don’t like it.

Imagine if I’d allowed these opinions to rattle me?

I’d still be trying to decide.  And, I wouldn’t have listened to my heart.  While I will respect your and other’s opinion, I won’t let it stop me.

(and in case you are wondering why I decided that I did……Here’s why:  I want to build something that extends beyond me. And, the phrase French Kiss Life makes my heart smile because it reminds me of that moment in time when this whole movement started. #agreetodisagree)

Here’s another recent personal example:

Recently, I vacationed for six weeks in Europe.

Upon returning home, a so-called friend made a snide comment,

“Well, it must be nice. Not everyone gets to jet-set around Europe for six weeks.”

Yep, oh boy did they have a strong opinion about my doings.

But imagine if I let that stop me.

I wouldn’t have ridden a camel in the desert of Morocco.

I wouldn’t have seen the stunning sunsets of Porto.

I wouldn’t have been invited to a VIP Wine tasting at all the top designer boutiques in Milan.

And, I certainly wouldn’t have had the belly laughs that almost left me with six-pack abs

(by the way, laughter = the best ab workout ever.  Just sayin’)

The old me would have tried to justify my dreams to this person:

“But, I was working while there. In fact, I hosted a retreat in Paris!”

“I’ve waited my whole life for this trip.

“You see, I’ve been unable to travel for the past two years because of my daughter’s health.

“I worked so hard for this!”

I don’t need to justify my dreams and neither do you.

Let me ask you a really important question:

Why would you put your future into the hands of other’s opinions? 

And, not just your future, but your kid’s and entire family’s future?

Really think about that.

When your friends say, “Why are you spending so much time trying to grow a business,” they are not the ones having to feed your family.

When your mother says, “Just eat the cake,” she’s not the one who’s having to wake up each day in your body.

When your co-workers say, “I can’t believe you’re going on a retreat to Paris. That’s silly,” they are not the ones who have to wonder how that trip will change your life.

But, listen.

I get it.

It’s not easy to get over our people-pleasing tendencies.

It’s uncomfortable to go after what you want when people are telling you that you’re insane, selfish, delusional, or incapable.

But, dream making isn’t for the faint of heart.

Surround yourself with people who cheer on our dreams, who inspire you to dream bigger and who are in the arena with you.

Stop listening to those sitting in the cheap seats.

Be more committed to your dreams than you are trying to control other people’s opinions of you.

You get to want what you want.
Without apology.
{Tweet this}

Ready to make your dreams come true?

These are three things you must give up:

• Confusion
• Doubt
• Other People’s Opinions

And, when you do, be prepared to amaze yourself with what’s possible.

Just ask my client.

She’s living in a flat in Paris.

And she’s never been happier……with her flat in Le Marais, AND with the woman, her dream required her to become.

The post The #1 Thing Your Dreams Ask of You appeared first on Tonya Leigh.

Click below if you prefer to listen.

After falling in love with the rich simplicity of French living, I’ve been on the path of “less but better” for many years now.

“Less” requires restraint, and historically, I was not a gal who liked to have limits, which is what restraint comes down to.

I loved to keep all options on the table.

Options mean more opportunity…..right?

I’m a pleasure seeker.

Isn’t denying oneself ….the antithesis of pleasure?

I want to experience all the things.

Won’t cutting off my options be…. so boring?

Obviously, I had a lot of internal conflicts that I needed to address.

Part of me was turned on by the idea of less and the other part of me was terrified of the idea.

If you want to know if your way of being, thinking and doing is working, look at the results you’ve created in your life.

The not-so-stellar results I had created were:

• Overwhelm
• An inability to focus and get things done
• Clutter that I’d move from one room to the next
• A stuffed closet
• Weight fluctuations
• Messy finances.

In other words, I felt like I was flailing around in my life.

The irony is that I prided myself in being a “free-spirit,” but the truth was that I was anything but free.

I was trapped in the chaos of my own making.

The answer? To pursue the elegance of restraint.

It was the antidote to my self-created chaos.

Restraint is “the measure that keeps someone or something within limits.”

I wanted to live within the limits of my dreams and potential which meant that I had to start cutting away everything else.

Now, if you’re anything like I was, you’ve read up until this point and you’re thinking,

“Tonya, YES! This is me, and I know I need some limits but where do I even start?”

Let’s begin!

Here are some helpful ways that I’ve practiced the pursuit of restraint in various areas of my life where I tended to create chaos:

THE RESTRAINT OF DREAMS

I am the biggest dreamer you’ll ever meet.

And I encourage women to have dreams.

But . . .

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither are your dreams.

If you’re trying to lose weight, make a million dollars, write a book, start a business, organize your home, get in shape, and be a great mom and wife all at once, chances are you’ll feel paralyzed with where to start.

Imagine if you really focused on just one dream at a time?

As someone who was so resistant to this idea and now practices it ruthlessly, I can attest to its magical powers.

You feel a sense of completion. You build the momentum in your life. You feel proud of what you’re accomplishing. All of this spills into other areas of your life.

Your season may be a month or a year, but where do you want to focus?

Is it your finances?
Health?
Home?
Relationships?
Career?
Hobbies?
Business?

Choosing one priority seems undoable in our multi-tasking and busy world, where our inboxes are exploding and we have at least 20 tabs open on our computers, but what’s life been like by trying to do all the things?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

*wink*

In his best-selling book, Essentialism, Greg McKeown explains the surprising history of the word, priority, and how its meaning has shifted over time.

“The word priority came into the English language in the 1400s. It was singular. It meant the very first or prior thing. It stayed singular for the next five hundred years.

Only in the 1900s did we pluralize the term and start talking about priorities. Illogically, we reasoned that by changing the word we could bend reality. Somehow we would now be able to have multiple “first” things.

People and companies routinely try to do just that. One leader told me of this experience in a company that talked of “Pri-1, Pri-2, Pri-3, Pri-4, and Pri-5.” This gave the impression of many things being the priority but actually meant nothing was.”

So fascinating and true, right?

We’ve been thinking we were smart by trying to make everything a priority.  But by looking at the results of our society — more overwhelm, depression, frustration and anxiety than ever before —  clearly, it’s not working.

Be bold enough to choose just one thing and then go all in.

You’ll be amazed at the results.

If you’re desiring personal support from me and a clear framework….look no further!

I’d like to invite you to enroll in my live workshop — The Dream Atelier — where we focus on bringing your idea to life in 30 days.

Go here to find out more. 

THE RESTRAINT OF FRIENDS

I used to believe I wanted a small city of close friends. Then, I started making friends wherever I went. At first, it felt amazing until . . . the text messages started rolling in, the invites were non-stop, the phone calls happened during dinner.

Suddenly, I was SO overwhelmed by the number of people in my life. I began to feel guilty because I couldn’t respond to their messages within a day. I was exhausted from trying to attend all the dinners and events.

It wasn’t fair to them or me. By trying to be a good friend to many, I was being a horrible friend to my few closest friends. Not to mention, there wasn’t a lot of space for myself or my dreams.

That’s when I made a conscious decision to narrow my close friend circle and really invest in the friendships that mean the most to me.

When it comes to friends, I crave less but better — better communication, better quality time, better text message turnaround.

We only have so much to give, especially when it comes to our time, so choosing wisely where to invest this precious commodity is a crucial part of elegance.

THE RESTRAINT OF KNOWLEDGE

I will forever be a student. I love learning and growing, but when my Kindle library was growing faster than my ability to read, I knew there was an issue.

Like my friendships, I was skimming the surface, not fully devoting my energy into one thing long enough to feel the effects.

So, I made a decision to limit the number of teachers I learn from at any given time, I don’t buy a book until I’ve read the ones I have, and I don’t purchase a new program until I’ve completed one.

This allows me to be a good student, to take in the knowledge and apply it to my life and to feel the depths of something instead of dancing across the surface.

THE RESTRAINT OF SPENDING

When it comes to money, I love feeling abundant.

At one point, however, I thought abundance meant spending a lot of money.  If you’ve ever received a credit card bill after out of control spending, you know that this is not an abundant feeling at all.

I’ve come to understand that abundance is about taking care of your money, investing it well and spending on the things that mean the most to you.

When it comes to money, just like with food, I like to decide ahead of time, what I will spend.

For example, I’ve already decided how much I will spend on Christmas gifts. When I travel to Paris each year, I decide ahead of time what quality purchases I want to make. I also give my daughter a budget so she can learn “restraint” as well.

The irony is that I don’t feel lack at all. In fact, being intentional with your money and spending on things with thought and care it creates a feeling of abundance. Don’t fool yourself, as I tried to, that overspending and then avoiding looking at your bills is freedom and abundance. This behavior is actually full of fear and scarcity.

THE RESTRAINT OF FOOD

Most of my weight loss clients are terrified of being denied food. They’ll admit that they want to lose weight AND be able to eat anything and everything they want and as much as they want.

I was one of them, so I get it! The idea of having rules around food would make me run straight to the fridge and consume every leftover container on which I could get my hands.

Once again, I had confused massive consumption with freedom, but clearly, my mind nor body was free.
It felt like being trapped in a living hell. And, for any of you that struggle with your body, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

What really helped me turn a corner was seeing French women have such a pleasurable relationship with food that is built on restraint. They don’t deny themselves of chocolate, but they also don’t allow themselves to gorge on it either.

When it comes to food, I have restraints in place for myself that have allowed me to create a healthy weight that I’ve maintained for years.

The Freedom of Restraint

While I thought restraint would feel shackling, what has surprised me most is how much more freedom I feel.

Imagine:

Waking up and knowing exactly where to focus.

Feeling in control when it comes to eating.

Walking away from meals feeling energized, not stuffed.

Creating things you’re proud of because you gave it your full attention.

Looking at your bank account and feeling abundant.

Opening our closet doors and feeling excited about getting dressed?

These are just a few things I’ve experienced as a result of applying “restraint” to my life.

When you pursue restraint, you’re giving your brain focus and direction.

You know what is a strong “yes” and an absolute “no.”

You start cutting away the things that don’t align with your dreams.

You’re full of clarity.

And, suddenly you experience the truth that I doubted for so long:

Less really is more.

=======

Now it’s your turn:

Take a spot check inventory of your life.  Where do you need to practice restraint in your life?  Share it with me in the comments below.  Note:  We’re all friends here, no judgment, only love! (remember that awareness is the first step in the ability to change! )

P.S. If you’re desiring personal support from me and a clear framework (and some loving help with restraining yourself in your problem to ensure that you don’t sabotage your progress!) to turn your ideas into reality 30 days, I’d like to invite you to enroll in my LIVE workshop — The Dream Atelier. 

The post The Elegance of Restraint appeared first on Tonya Leigh.